109f8362

Doing the Reps: What Running Has Taught Me About Mental Health

Mon, 20 Apr 2026 14:47:34 GMT

As a runner, I’ve learned that progress rarely comes from a single run. Rather, it comes from

doing the reps time and time again. Sometimes, it means long miles when my legs feel strong.

Other times, it is dragging myself out the door when it’s still pitch black outside, and the

temperature is well below freezing. Of course there have been plenty of mornings when the last

thing I wanted to do was run (And there still are days I don’t want to). But over time, the runs

that felt difficult or like a chore, slowly became part of my routine.

Changing behavior and creating a routine often works the same way.

Many people come into counseling hoping for a breakthrough moment and/or quick fix, where

everything suddenly makes sense and life feels easier. These moments can happen, but lasting

change more often comes from practicing new ways of thinking, responding, and caring for

yourself over and over again.

In other words, it comes from doing the reps.

In running, a rep might be a mile repeat or a long training run. In mental health, the reps look

different. They might be things like pausing before reacting in a difficult conversation,

challenging a negative thought instead of automatically believing it, or practicing a coping skill

when anxiety starts to rise.

At first, these reps can feel awkward and uncomfortable. Just like starting a new training plan,

the effort can feel heavy in the beginning. Our brains adapt in much the same way our bodies do.

With each rep, new patterns start to take hold. That coping skill becomes more natural. The

pause before reacting becomes easier. That difficult conversation becomes more manageable.

Here are some reps you can give a try

Drink a full glass of water when you wake up in the morning.
Take five minutes before bed to simply focus on your breathing.
Step outside for a short walk, even if it’s just around the block.
Pause and take three slow breaths when you notice stress building.
Write down one thing you’re grateful for at the end of the day.

Remember! The goal isn’t perfection. It’s getting in the reps. Start with something small, even if

it feels too easy. Some days the reps will feel easier than others. Some days they’ll feel heavy.

Change tends to come from continuing to show up anyway. And eventually, the things that once

felt difficult start to feel normal.

That’s when real change begins to take hold.

Jonah Maichele is a counseling intern at Restore Therapy Collective. In his free time, Jonah enjoys running, playing guitar, and hammocking at the beach. His favorite foods include sushi, orange chicken, and his grandma’s specialty gnocchis.

Riding in Harmony: A New Way to Understand Your Emotions

Wed, 25 Feb 2026 18:26:47 GMT

I so often hear things like, “I know I shouldn’t get angry, but I do,” or, “I get so anxious, and I should just let it go.” It’s a common refrain of things that should be done and ways we should behave. We talk about emotions as something to control rather than work alongside, but what would happen if we learned to work with our emotions rather than against them?

Think of our emotions as a horse—they’re instinctual, reactive, powerful, and often rooted in survival mechanisms. Just like a horse, they can be strong and seemingly unpredictable. Now think of the rational part of ourselves as the rider of the horse; this is the part of us that plans, is logical, and tries to stay in control to lead us in deliberate direction.

The goal isn’t to “break” the horse and give the rider total control, and the goal is also not to let the horse run wild. The goal is to build a relationship between the two. When the horse and rider work together in harmony, the journey is smooth. The horse provides energy and motivation while the rider offers direction and guidance. If the horse is too in charge, it might bolt with fear, anger, or desire, and this can lead us off trail. If the rider is too dominating, they may ignore signals from the horse until it erupts, or the horse is stifled to the point of low energy and lack of motivation.

Therapeutic work often involves helping the rider understand and work with the horse by learning how to notice, respond to, and gently guide it. The goal isn’t control, but connection. It’s about building relationship between emotions and our rational selves to encourage understanding, respect, and resiliency within ourselves. We can listen to our emotions without being overwhelmed by them, and we can use our rational mind without it becoming a harsh inner-critic.

Emotional regulation isn’t about silencing emotions, but learning to ride with them.

Morgan Peterson, LLMFT, LLPC, is a therapist at Restore Therapy Collective. Morgan’s passion is helping people improve their relationships—with others and with themselves. When not in session, you can find her gardening, knitting, reading, or doing other “grandma” hobbies.

Child Therapy is Family Therapy

Mon, 03 Nov 2025 23:44:10 GMT

There aren’t many more distressing ideas for parents than the thought of their child in emotional pain. Parents contact me often in a panic because they believe their child is struggling, and they feel as if they, as parents, are failing. That may be why it’s often surprising that the first direct question I ask at a parent consultation is, “How are YOU doing?”

Children Don’t Exist in Isolation

What brings a child to therapy is often a reflection of the distress the entire family system is experiencing. From the moment a child is born, their nervous system is shaped by things as seemingly minute as tone of voice and facial expressions. Stress experienced by parents and other caregivers does not go unnoticed. The difference with children is that they, developmentally, do not have the capacity to see themselves as separate from a caregiver’s stress, the boundaries haven’t been formed yet. Something as simple as a string of bad days at work for a caregiver can be interpreted by a child as a failing on their part. In other words, a child’s mental health is not just about their inner world, but about the “relational web” they are a part of every day.

This ABSOLUTELY does not mean caregivers are ‘at fault’ for their child’s distress. It does mean that engaging in the therapy process and growing skills to model within the family system can be the biggest contributor to long-term therapeutic success.

The Family as Co-Therapist; What does it mean to engage in the therapy process?

Child therapists have different views on what constitutes best practice for parental involvement in therapy. Filial play therapists, who work with the entire family system (parents and kids at the same time) through play, have parents attend every session. Child-centered play therapists meet with parents separately on a regular schedule. Other child therapists may meet with parents for a few minutes during each session. There is no one correct model, but there are a few things to expect while working with your child’s therapist.

Learning new skills : Identifying areas of difficulty (such as co-regulation, routines, or limit setting) and trying new strategies that work for the WHOLE family.
Becoming situationally reflective, not self derogatory : Working toward a mindset of “What is my child communicating to me right now?” instead of “What am I doing wrong?”
Growing in confidence and self-compassion : Internalizing the understanding that your job as a parent is not to solve every problem, but to help yourself remain regulated so that you can be with your child as they learn about the world around them.

A Collaborative Journey

The end goal of therapy for a child may not be for the child to be able to perfectly manage all situations. In fact, I would go so far as to say that SHOULDN’T be the end goal. Instead, working with a therapist to uncover what a child is bringing to the family system and finding ways to address the whole system can lead to faster and longer lasting therapeutic change. I challenge all parents to think of therapy for their child as a collaborative journey for the whole family, and find positive change for themselves in the journey as well.

Melanie Freeland is a therapist at Restore Therapy Collective specializing in relational trauma and attachment. When she’s not with clients, she’s likely reading, baking, or spending time with her family. To schedule an appointment with Melanie, please send a secure message through our contact form .

Finding Glimmers: A Tale of a Silly Goose

Wed, 15 Oct 2025 18:54:21 GMT

I used to despise people telling me to be grateful or even worse, count my blessings, every time I expressed negative emotions about a problem in my life. I have never found gratitude or positive affirmations helpful, always regarded them as a form of psychobabble— until quite recently learning about "glimmers". To me, glimmers (or any other nervous system regulation technique) are almost the prerequisite to any type of positive thinking, whether it's gratitude exercises or the practice of reframing negative thoughts. Nervous system regulation is the ability to go back and forth between states of activation/arousal (when you are triggered) and states of calm/relaxed, depending on what’s going on in your environment. This is the natural capacity of your nervous system, to be functioning smoothly and finding balance between different states; for your heart rate to increase for instance to prepare for action, and then to slow down and recover from the aftereffects of this activation. When you experience traumatic events, your nervous system gets stuck in different states for too long. Constantly being in a state of hyper-arousal is an example of this. Waiting for the next thing to go wrong, you are always hyper vigilant, on guard, and prepared. Slowing down feels risky and unsafe. Fortunately, there are ways in which you can teach your nervous system find balance and reclaim a peaceful state for optimal rest. For me, my nervous system needs to get to a state of calm and some sense of grounded-ness before I can convince my brain to think positive. Thinking positively feels like a tall order when my system is still trying to assess danger for survival. Glimmers are more accessible to me in such a state of hyper-arousal, while gratitude feels like extra work and effort when I am already at capacity.

I suppose I also did not quite understand the point of positive thinking in the past, which contributed to my aversion. To say—let alone believe—that I was a worthwhile human being deserving of wonderful things did not quite match the internal storm I harbored, for instance, when I was in the depths of despair trying to make sense of the ending of my marriage a few years ago. So, neither positive affirmations nor gratitude exercises alone was enough to shift my thinking. I am using past tense because I have a different, more accepting, softened, curious, not so ready to attack type of attitude towards positive thinking, specifically gratitude and positive affirmations, maybe even leaning more towards positive, but when it's done in the right way, in combination with nervous system regulation.

I am mostly frustrated with the expectation that we are to be grateful in life. I do think that when something unfortunate happens, it is very normal to acknowledge the badness in the situation rather than finding the silver-lining. Contrary to some widely used social scripts, I do not believe that everything happens for a reason or that there is a life lesson we can learn from every negative experience. If that happens naturally, that's wonderful. However, I believe that sometimes this mentality forces us to turn our emotions into something productive, to make something good with the misfortunate we have experienced. I get that this may be a source of comfort that distracts people from experiencing their excruciating pain. Some people think that the opposite of finding the silver lining is dwelling or staying stuck. I think this brings up a lot of fear about losing control and not being able to stop the pain once acknowledged, seen, and felt. Although this fear is valid, you can always learn healthy ways to cope with a bad situation, instead of trying to convince yourself that your situation is “not that bad”. Fully processing your feelings and thoughts about distressing life events and integrating these experiences into your life can help you develop a more adaptive narrative about yourself and the traumatic event you endured. On the other hand, if you are conditioned to be a Pollyanna, you may trick yourself into believing that bad things happen to teach you something valuable in life. I want to recognize that it can feel more empowering and less helpless to think that ‘everything happens for a reason’ than to accept that bad things happen, period. It is also understandable and human to want to avoid the pain and suffering, but this avoidance can be costly. It is possible to build up internal resources and a good support system, while expanding our capacity to tolerate distress and navigate the after-effects of trauma. So that you do not have to invalidate or diminish the significance of your own feelings/experiences and so that you can start living from your highest potential, liberated from all of the limitations imposed by the unaddressed overwhelming life experiences.

To be clear, I do think that if you are able to make something productive out of your trauma or if it becomes the driving force of you making your life more meaningful, then that is very powerful. A common example is people experiencing domestic violence and becoming an advocate to raise awareness in the pursuit of helping others. It can be healing for them and for the survivors of violence. But sometimes bad things happen, and you can't make sense of it, you do not have the answers as to why they happened, or you don't have the motivation or willingness to transform your misfortune into an opportunity like some people are able to do. I find that desperately trying to find answers takes us away from the experience of feeling the pain and ultimately impedes our ability to move on from it. Oftentimes, the act of mourning may bring us closer to the acceptance and meaning making stage anyway. Paradoxically, I find that the truth or the wisdom we so often search for—through the pursuit of definitive/fixed answers—actually lies in the discomfort of existing in that in-between-space, in the not knowing, the ambiguity, the uncertainty, and the doubt.

My hypersensitivity to positive thinking probably stems from my very first encounter with the concept of gratitude by my very-well-intentioned, sweet mother, suggesting to me that the blemishes on my skin were a symbol of my youth, something to be cherished and even celebrated when I was in middle school. I did not quite feel like celebrating or cherishing my blemishes at that time of my life—I do not think I will ever get there to be honest. I know what my mother was trying to accomplish and I love her for that. However, her attempts at instilling positivity inevitably had a role in me developing some sense of guilt and

shame around not liking my not-very-likable skin condition at the time, which I carried with me (the guilt and shame) for a long time.

It makes me think about how many parents unintentionally plant the seeds of that very unnecessary guilt in their children in an attempt to help their kids feel better about their difficult experiences. When in fact, validation, empathy, and a container to hold all of the distressing emotions would make it a lot easier to deal with unfortunate situations, in my opinion. There was nothing to be grateful for having a skin condition that made me very self conscious at such a difficult developmental phase of my life. I did not want to hear that I was beautiful even with the presence of my skin condition (a form of positive affirmation) because I did not believe it. I also did not want to hear that my skin condition symbolized something meaningful like me going through puberty and being an otherwise healthy adolescent (a form of gratitude). NO, it symbolized unfairness and a sense of defeat to me. I was doing a 12-step skin care routine and staying away from gluten and dairy (even before it was trendy) when I was still a young girl, whereas my friends could just be 'regular teens' and not care about their diet/skin care regimen. As an adult, I am aware that my friend's lives were probably not perfect either, but I did not have the biological and emotional capacity in middle school to think rationally and say "Well I am sure everyone is going through something, nobody has it all". I was convinced that I was doomed.

So my point is that, I was not really receptive to the positive affirmations or the gratitude practices at that age. The younger part of me just wanted to complain and cry and for my adults to be on my side and not only give me permission to cry, protest, complain, and grieve, but also give me tools (in addition to the practical help and resources) to manage these very difficult feelings, because that would have been the best gift ever.

Even writing this, a part within me is screaming at me to be 'grateful' for my health, to be grateful for my wonderful childhood, my amazing parents' endless support, countless appointments with numerous dermatologists, for all the medication that I could afford to buy, my parents' active involvement in my life, and their genuine love and care for me. And I am forever grateful. AND, I would also greatly benefit from validation and a toolkit (perhaps glimmers) to help me make sense and cope with my feelings of despair, instead of being rushed into the stage of acceptance through gratitude.

Anyway, this blog post was supposed to be about the Polyvagal Theory and how it served as a precursor to somehow transforming my thoughts about gratitude and affirmations. Let's move on to the main story, glimmers. It was not that long

ago that I heard the term "glimmers". I fell in love with this word (my skeptical part surprisingly did not automatically put this term in the psychobabble category). Somehow, the word itself gave me hope. I started sharing the meaning and value of "glimmers" with my family, friends, and clients. It felt more approachable to me to notice glimmers as a way of cultivating a hopeful and optimistic outlook on life, as opposed to repeating some mantras to myself that did not quite resonate. I am very cautious and skeptical of any intervention or technique that is so trendy and "life changing" as I do not believe in quick, surface level fixes. Understanding the science behind glimmers and its connection to nervous system regulation was profound.

If you do not know what a glimmer is already, here is an explanation from Deb Dana: "A glimmer is a micro-moment of regulation that fosters feelings of well- being. A glimmer could be as simple as seeing a friendly face, hearing a soothing sound, or noticing something in the environment that brings a smile...". Deb Dana talks about the positive impact of glimmers on neutralizing triggers and helping us come back to regulation. After attending Deb Dana's training on Polyvagal Theory and getting a better understanding of the biological underpinnings of glimmers, I have started to practice "noticing and naming glimmer moments" as she had suggested in the training.

Below you will find a few examples of the types of glimmers I have encountered in the recent months:

I was in Chicago recently with my partner exploring the city. We decided to take a break from walking around downtown and sat on a bench at the Cityfront Plaza to take in the beautiful view of the city, skyscrapers, and the hustle and bustle of its

busy people. I grew up in a big city in Turkey, so simply being around big buildings was glimmer-ous enough for me. Not for my partner though, he felt mostly claustrophobic being surrounded by enormous buildings. The city life itself

was not particularly a source of glimmer for him, which is a testament to the uniqueness of everyone's personal glimmer. Your glimmer can very well be someone else's trigger, but when you find a glimmer moment that you can share with a loved one, it can be a real special moment in my opinion.

Shortly after our quiet break in the Cityfront Plaza, we managed to find a mutual glimmer totally unexpected. We were suddenly made aware of the theatrical arrival of the sassiest Canadian goose I have ever seen in my life. Somehow, this

bird managed to be the center of attention with its loud entrance to the scene, fluttering its wings as if to call attention as a display of dominance, as if to say "Everyone, look how magnificent I am", with all sorts of tricks and shows proud with the attention it was getting from all of the tourists, but to be honest—mostly me. I could not keep my eyes off of it. I was captivated. I think that was the most peaceful I have felt in a long time. It felt like all of my body parts were at rest

simultaneously for the first time, there was no urgency to move or do anything else, but to stay in that moment. I felt content, grounded, and as if all the pieces were in the right place. Needless to say, the Canadian goose was my glimmer. And if I were to make a list of glimmers before this experience, I do not know that a goose would make the top of the list.

Another recent glimmer was watching a squirrel eat what seemed to be a gigantic apple outside of the window of my dentist's office, instantly calming my nerves whilst sitting in my dentist's chair anxiously waiting for her to arrive.

Another example was raindrops hitting my window, leaving visible streaks and patterns of water on the glass.

A glimmer I notice on a daily basis is the post snack lip smacking of my cat. It is the most soothing and comforting sound ever.

I find that my glimmers have a common theme—animals and nature. I realized that it has been very powerful for me to be mindful of these glimmers that I notice each day, as they remind me of the bigger picture, my purpose and meaning, what I value and live for (a goose?), and indirectly and effortlessly, make me more grateful for and remind me of all the wonderful things that I have in my life. The irony in all of this is that I do not have to force the positive affirmations down my throat when my body does not tolerate and reacts negatively to this foreign substance it does not recognize and therefore does not digest. After all, it was easier for me to come to the conclusion that I was a worthwhile being when my nervous system was in a regulated state. Unexpectedly, the glimmers set the necessary conditions right, so that I was more receptive to engaging in a higher level cognitive exercise (reframing negative thoughts, making a gratitude list, etc) that ultimately allowed me to be at peace with myself and the world. Ultimately, I am 'grateful' for all of my glimmers and how easily accessible they are in everyday life.

How wonderful would life be if we were all offered the exact tools we needed to thrive and be our best selves in childhood. At the risk of sounding like an inspirational quote, it is never too late to re-parent yourself and give yourself the proper nutrition you need to cope with a stressful situation, rather than constantly feeling defeated and even more guilty when you can not take in all the "support and comfort" the wonderful people in your life are so genuinely and generously offering. I hope you are surrounded by people who can listen to you and adapt/ adjust their valuable offerings so that their support matches your internal storm, and will not end up causing a hurricane when all they are attempting to give you is a safe haven. I hope with the help of "glimmers", you can also identify what your safe haven is, so you know exactly where to take refuge during challenging

times.

If you need the help of a professional to help you identify the coping tools specifically designed for your unique needs, sensitivities, and personality patterns, do not hesitate to reach out to Restore to schedule an appointment with a Restore therapist.

A few side notes:

If positive affirmations and gratitude exercises/practices are helpful for you, that is wonderful. This post is for individuals who do not find them helpful, who may need adaptations or alternatives to these practices, or may need more ground-work (mindfulness, therapy, etc) to do before they can use them as valuable resources.
If you find the information on gratitude and positive affirmations on any social media platforms helpful, validating, affirming, that is great. My hope is that you are mindful of the content you are consuming, as there is a lot of toxic positivity and inaccurate information being shared by individuals that are not trained in mental health. Although they may mean well, some of the information they share can be more harmful for some individuals or vulnerable populations. If something resonates with you, that's great. If not, discerning media content can be a skill you can cultivate in order to protect your mental/emotional wellbeing.

Hande Walker, MA, LLP is a therapist at Restore Therapy Collective. In her free time Hande enjoys long walks or a hike in the nature. Besides spending time with friends and family, Hande loves reading-especially psychological thriller books. To schedule an appointment with Hande, please send a secure message through our contact form .

Riding the Wave: Seeing Coping Skills in a New Light

Mon, 07 Apr 2025 15:42:27 GMT

Many times when a client comes to me for the first time they are eager to learn and implement new coping skills. In my first year as a therapist I heard from many clients striving to implement new skills that the skills “Weren’t working”. To this I typically ask what do you mean when you say “work or doesn’t work?”. Clients will usually respond with something along the lines of, “I use the skill and I still have anxiety”. This is where a reframing of coping skills is necessary to the therapy process.

There is not a skill in the world that we can practice that will entirely alleviate painful or challenging emotions. If there was, we would all know about it, there would be countless books, podcasts, and resources about it, and ultimately there wouldn’t be a need for coping skill therapy. So instead of framing skills in the black and white mindset of “working” or “not working” there are a few shifts that may be beneficial.

Use Scales

When working with clients I often encourage them to capture distress on a scale. For example, on a scale of 1-10 with 10 being the most distressing anxiety you could imagine feeling, how intense does this feeling feel to you right now?.This means that when applying a skill we’re hoping for a decrease in intensity knowing that complete alleviation is not likely. It can be comforting to use this approach to measure something like anxiety before and after a skill, noticing that if that number decreases even by one, the skill is worth engaging in.

Notice & Be Curious

When applying coping skills I am however less concerned about a decrease in a distress score then I am about noticing and naming experiential, physical, and thought related changes. For example, the anxiety feels like a knot in my stomach, or I noticed my heart rate slow during the exercise, or the pace of my thoughts slowed following use of the skill. This means adopting a curious and alert mindset to notice what is happening before, during and after skill use in our emotions, thoughts, and body.

Ride the Wave

When working with a new client I often hear pathologizing and praising of certain emotions (joyful=good, sadness=bad etc). Emotions may be challenging and painful to feel at times but categorizing them in this way is typically unhelpful and can lead to loneliness, shame, and avoidance. Freeing ourselves from categorizing emotions allows us to see every emotion as a wave that rises and falls in intensity. Some rise and fall rather quickly, some last longer, but all emotional experiences are simply a part of our human experience. When we learn to ride the waves of emotions instead of boxing them up into categories it allows for freedom to feel and relief in the reality that intensity of a feeling will decrease over time.

So when you think about using your coping toolkit in the future I’d encourage you to take on a curious mindset, scaling intensity of a feeling, with the reassurance that the intensity will naturally decrease over time and perhaps even more so with utilizing your new coping skills.

Rachel Schelhaas, LMSW is a therapist at Restore Therapy Collective. Rachel enjoys working with clients to increase their insight and understanding of themselves in order to bring their best self to the relationships that matter most. In her spare time you can catch Rachel going for long walks, cooking a tasty meal, reading an audio book, or searching for unique finds at the thrift store.

Hello There, Grief...

Fri, 27 Dec 2024 15:29:49 GMT

I feel like I am getting to know a different aspect of my grief each day. Grief for me is like one of those people that you are intimidated by. You think you know everything about them, but then they do something unexpected and completely take you by surprise. The kind of person that is unpredictable but not in a bad or unhealthy, manipulative way. The kind of person that cannot categorize their personality type in a number, because they are more complex than that. The kind of person from whom you feel there is so much to learn, even though you’ve known them forever. It never gets boring, but it’s a bit exhausting because sometimes you just want to be around simplicity, predictability, and even boring, as you do not always feel up for an

adventure. So anyway, imagine that person, but it’s not a person - it’s an emotion instead. That is how I experience my grief!

Recently, I have realized that my grief makes me want to take action. It gives me the “sense of urgency” to act on a thought or an idea. The action step is not always in line with my values, what would be in my best interest, or what would benefit my relationships. I sometimes find myself wanting to provide a manual for my clients who are going through grief. To be able to

tell them when their grief is going to end or be more manageable. Why do I want a manual?

This is a question I battle with a lot in my line of work. Because most things are so abstract, I crave a manualized approach to tell me what to say or what to do. When it comes to grief especially, I also think I need the manual to have some sense of certainty and familiarity, so the process of grieving does not get more overwhelming than it already is.

Grief feels distinct from other emotions in this way, as it has a quality that never ceases to baffle me. Like, you do not know when it’s going to hit you, even if you identify and go through every single possible scenario you can imagine to know what to do and how to take care of yourself when you’re reminded of your loss. It is like the universe finds a clever or sneaky way to surprise you when you expect it the least.

Let’s talk about anxiety, for example. Anxiety can be sneaky too and manifest in subtle ways sometimes. Not the intense physical symptoms that feel like you are going to have a heart attack and die, but when you experience rumination, can’t stop overthinking something, when you are being short with your partner or feel irritated and agitated. That is easier to chalk up to

anxiety for me. For some reason, it is easy for me to understand and conceptualize anxiety. To understand the impact of anxiety on relationships, for instance, is easier to grasp and come to terms with. If I am anxious and easily annoyed, I will relate to others in a way that will reflect the ‘not so pleasant state of my mind/being.’

When it comes to grief though, it feels as if all of a sudden, I do not know how to be a human and do humanly things. When I am grieving, I do not always understand how I feel physically or regard the sensations in my body - or even the energy around me - as a reflection of my grief. For some reason, it is very hard to make that mind-body connection for me in the context of grief.It is also hard to put this into words, as I feel like I am trying to describe something so intangible. It’s as if you have to experience it to know and to understand.

I recently realized that “the urge to do something and fix it” comes from a place of hurt, sadness, and powerlessness attached to the grief related to a loss I experienced a few years ago. Not wanting to come to terms with something that is so unfixable, so irreversible. Not wanting to accept that there is no chance to make it better anymore. It is over, and I have to accept that I must move on.Yuck! Even writing this in a very clear and conclusive way right now evokes uncomfortable feelings and sensations in my body. Hello there, grief! I see and recognize you now!

Finally, not suppressing or ignoring the presence of my grief is helping me not make impulsive decisions or take actions when there is no action to take. For example, calling that person that my brain somehow convinced me was such a good idea, even supporting its argument with persuasive reasons that provided a sudden (false) sense of relief. I felt like I was finally on to something. Finally, I found a way to reverse the situation and make everything go back to what it was before. I am excited, hopeful, and it feels too good to be true. Then reality sets in. After engaging in some reflection and feeling more grounded in the painful reality, I realized my “protective part” was trying so hard to not let me feel the pain of loss and grief.

One time, my protective part worked so skillfully that I even convinced my therapist that I was making the right decision with the action I was planning on taking. My therapist even told me jokingly that I should be a lawyer. Apparently I was so persuasive. I really want to give credit to my protective part for working so hard to keep me safe. I initially was so upset and embarrassed about that protective part that ran the show that day, for going to such lengths to prove her point right, not caring about the consequences of her almost-impulsive actions. Then, I realized it was that protective part that would not let me develop a relationship with my grief - so much so that I felt numb when my body was screaming for help, begging to be seen.

With the help of therapy, I was able to understand the incredibly hard work my protective part was taking on so that I did not feel the pain of loss. Only then did I start to have compassion for this amazing, courageous, kind, younger part of me. I reassured her that despite the pain, I was glad to be in touch with my grief. Because feeling disconnected from the pain also meant I was disconnected from the other positive things that were going on in my life. I was just an observer of myself - of my life - like watching myself in a movie as an audience member, not knowing I am the main actor and I can change the course of things. How exciting and empowering! But also scary and risky. That was when I realized I’d rather live in reality and learn ways to manage my grief (just like I did with anxiety) than live in a fantasy world, hoping and wishing that someday my brain will find a way to get back what I have lost.

Witnessing so many of my clients who are in different phases of their grief journey and their relentless attempts at cognitive bypassing made me realize how important it is to find manageable ways to allow grief to exist. Simply acknowledging the presence of grief and being honest with myself about the intensity of the pain helped me relate to my grief in a different way. It did not become this scary thing or a danger zone I never wanted to go near. Instead, I realized I had to learn to honor its existence and adaptive function in my life. Easier said than done- I know. However, coming to this realization gradually brought me an unexpected sense of relief - knowing I do not have to fear grief. Because when you add fear to the mix, it’s as if the thing you are avoiding intensifies by multitudes.

I think what helped me a lot was curiosity and openness to this new entity that was coming my way. Also, resourcing myself - expanding my capacity to handle big emotions (positive and negative) - was necessary if I was going to take an honest look at my loss. It required a lot of courage that I didn’t have at the time - not realizing courage was something I could cultivate when I opened up more space for the unknown and embraced the fear. And embracing the fear didn’t look “cute,” like what you see in the movies, when somebody finally confronts and overcomes their fear.

Inevitably, I will experience another loss in life, but having a stronger relationship with grief itself - knowing more aspects of grief and having an open and curious attitude towards it - means grief finally does not feel like such a strange territory, like the person I was describing in the beginning. It also does not take control of my life or does not dictate my decisions. I, at least, have more neutrality towards it, rather than completely denying its presence. I can’t say that I am excited to interact with it at all times or that I look forward to its unannounced arrival. However, I am interested in listening and hearing what it has to tell me. At the very least, I do not find myself fantasizing about a manual to help me interact with my grief anymore (I never read them anyway). And I am happy with that progress.

Election Overload: How to Manage Anxiety During the Election Season

Thu, 03 Oct 2024 19:09:40 GMT

I don’t know about you, but I have found it increasingly hard to feel emotionally and mentally grounded as political campaigns continue to ramp up. Its felt like I’ve been sitting on a rollercoaster of emotions—often awaiting the next twist or turn or sudden abrupt stop causing mental whiplash.

Depending on the level of consumption, involvement, and proximity to news, social media, and local & national campaigns, the onslaught of information, debates, and discussions can increase levels of stress and anxiety. A poll conducted by the American Psychiatry Association found that over 70% of respondents are feeling anxious about the election.

In times of uncertainty and while we wait to cast our votes, its crucial for us to acknowledge the stress and anxiety we’re enduring as well as learn effective strategies to cope with the feelings that the election season elicits. Here are some strategies to help you stay grounded and calm during the election season.

1. Unplug from the news

If you find yourself feeling overwhelmed after watching campaign updates or scrolling social media, take some time away from the constant influx of information. Consider setting limits on how much you engage with media or utilize an app that consolidates your news.

2. Practice mindfulness as you encounter the news

When you do interact with media and news, be aware of how it is impacting your mental and emotional states. Ask yourself how its affecting your mood and what you might need to do to manage increased anxiety or work toward more emotional regulation. Take some deep breaths and pay attention to what your body and mind are telling you.

3. Prioritize taking care of yourself

Nurturing the connection between your social, emotional, mental, and physical well being can help you de-stress. Taking care of yourself in one aspect is going to impact others—go for a walk, spend time with friends, try a new relaxation app, or talk to your therapist.

4. Seek out supportive communities

Finding like-minded individuals who foster positive and supportive environments can provide a sense of comfort during election season. Engaging in discussions and sharing thoughts and feelings in such communities can help lessen feelings of anxiety and isolation.

5. Focus on what you can control

Taking action by getting involved, volunteering, or participating in safe discussions can give you a sense of purpose. Anxiety can be a powerful motivator if addressed in healthy ways!

6. Find a therapist

If you find that your anxiety is becoming overwhelming and affecting your daily life, don’t hesitate to seek professional help. A therapist provides a safe space to process your emotions, develop coping strategies, and increase options and resources to help keep you grounded.

It’s okay to take a moment to check in with yourself and prioritize your mental health as we all navigate this season of anxiety and uncertainty. Find ways to stay informed and engaged that allow you to take care of yourself.

Looking for a therapist? Contact Restore Therapy Collective to schedule your first appointment.

Lindsey Afton, M.A., LMFT, LPC, PMH-C, EMDR-C is a therapist, supervisor, & the Practice Coordinator at Restore Therapy Collective. While not wearing one of the many Restore-related hats, you can find her constantly exploring new methods of self-care, learning how to parent while grieving, and searching for the next perfect meme.

Ways to Silence Imposter Syndrome

Sun, 28 Apr 2024 00:46:37 GMT

When I first started as a therapist I struggled to find my footing and feel secure in my new profession. I didn’t realize it right away but it turns out I was going through something that almost everyone does at some point in their life: Imposter Syndrome. A person feeling imposter syndrome will typically experience self-doubt or insecurity in their abilities brought on by transitioning into a new role. In a person’s internal narrative, this might sound like thoughts such as:

● “Am I really good at this?”

● “Is this really where I belong?”

● “Am I doing this right?”

● “Am I making a difference?”

This type of thinking arises for many people. At times it may cause anxiety that can lead to unhelpful behaviors. Let’s take some time to run through the most common negative reactions and positive alternatives to manage these anxieties.

Putting Up Defenses

Defensiveness is a normal reaction given the fact that you’ve likely worked really hard to get where you are. It’s crazy how a simple question like, ”how old are you?”, can set this into motion. Defending does not typically allow for growth, it’s often a band aid on insecurity.

Antidote: Be Honest with Yourself and Others

Despite the urge to defend I would encourage you to welcome the questions and validate the concern behind them. I’ve learned through experience that others care less about what you’ve done and more about whether you’re willing to acknowledge an age gap or be honest when put on the spot. One of my newer go to responses is “It makes sense that you’d ask that question. I want to ensure you feel secure in our work together and although I can’t promise that, I’m hopeful that that might be something that would come with time”. I can try to defend my schooling, talent, and list the training I’ve been to but I’d recommend when the urge to defend shows up, set it to the side to acknowledge the feeling that might be behind the question being asked.

Feeling Lost

There are often moments with imposter syndrome where our mind questions our abilities and instincts. This can lead to uncertainty with direction and wavering with decision making. With anything new in life a lack of clarity can occur. Feeling directionless can often leave us playing it too safe or unsure of what our next move should be.

Antidote: Mentorship

In moments when you are really struggling with feeling like you are fumbling through I would encourage you to seek out mentorship. Find someone who has been in the role you are currently in for a long time. You will likely be pleased to discover they once went through exactly what you are experiencing now. These connections not only make you feel less alone but can be valuable opportunities to learn and bond with people around you.

Insecurity

At times we can struggle with our confidence when in a new role. This can look like self-doubt or second guessing. This can be an internal battle but it is often visible to those we interact with within our new role. Despite urges to keep this feeling internal there can be useful ways to express what’s going on to be able to move forward.

Antidote: Seek Candid Feedback

One of the ways to know how you’re doing and learn from mistakes is to ask for feedback. This was a mistake I made in the first few months of being a therapist. I thought that at times asking for input made me look like I lacked confidence. In reality getting client’s feedback and input has made me feel more secure in being able to meet needs and tailor what I do to be more beneficial. I encourage you to ask for feedback even when it’s uncomfortable and look to others for input and run with it to make small changes day by day. Over the course of time this can make a big difference in gaining confidence and feeling secure.

Some people like to use the phrase “fake it til you make it”. When imposter syndrome shows up anxiety or at times panic are normal reactions and responses that most people experience, you don’t have to hide this or fake confidence. Instead of allowing these feelings to manifest as unhelpful behaviors, be honest about where you’re at, seek out support, and elicit feedback that will help you make changes along the way.

Rachel Schelhaas, LMSW is a therapist at Restore Therapy Collective. Rachel enjoys working with clients to increase their insight and understanding of themselves in order to bring their best self to the relationships that matter most. In her spare time you can catch Rachel going for long walks, cooking a tasty meal, reading an audio book, or searching for unique finds at the thrift store.

The Power of a Word

Thu, 03 Aug 2023 00:29:42 GMT

I can’t set a boundary with my mom.

I can’t run a 5K.

I can’t go to the grocery store alone.

These are examples of typical statements we say to ourselves, likely even several times a day. Even though the content can vary depending on the person, the end result is the same. The typical statements above, if said often enough contribute to even more negative self-thoughts. These negative thoughts can make us feel stuck if left unchecked. Negative thoughts prevent us from seeing new possibilities in our life and get in the way of making changes. One of the things that can help us get unstuck is to change our mindset by changing the words we say to ourselves.

Since we’re the person we spend the most time with, it is important to speak to ourselves the same way we would want others to speak to us. To foster a change in these thoughts, it needs to be habitual, consistent, and reliable self-talk. This may be difficult at first as we tend to ignore how limiting and impactful our negative thoughts can be.

Sometimes one small change in the words we say to ourselves can open our minds to the possibility that the way we speak to ourselves has a large impact on the way we feel. This impact can even help us define our goals more clearly and create a clearer image of who we really are or strive to be. Sometimes our goals are specific: I want to run a 5K for the Halloween Fun Run. Sometimes they start broader: I want to increase my self-esteem. I’ve found that often before we even start to act on the goals and develop a plan, we need to tackle the obstacles, in this case, the negative phrases that we tell ourselves, each day such as:

I’m not a good guitar player.

I’m not a good conversationalist.

I’ve never had a good relationship.

My challenge for you is to open your mind to the possibility that the words we say impact the way we grow and change. The first step is to convince your brain to open the door to these foreign words that can strengthen our confidence to change.

When I work with clients, sometimes they will voice self-limiting phrases that they believe to be 100% true At the end of their statement, I’ll pause, and gently add the word, ‘yet’. They often smile and recognize that the stuck feeling they feel ends as soon as see the choice between ‘never’ and ‘yet’. That even though things feel overwhelming and impossible now, there is a potential that things could be different, maybe even better down the road.

Here's my trick and your challenge. Add the word YET at the end of your negative thought:

I can’t set a boundary with my mom. YET.

I can’t run a 5K. YET.

I can’t go to the grocery store alone. YET.

I’m not a good guitar player. YET.

I’m not a good conversationalist. YET.

I’ve never had a good relationship. YET.

Does that feel different? This small change gives your brain the message that another option is possible, and it has the potential for big change. That you can experience a different outcome by changing or adding a word. That you aren’t stuck in always being the same, forever. Once your brain believes that a different thought is even possible, you can start to explore new options and how you’re going to get there. It is a kinder, more compassionate, more patient way of gently reminding yourself that growth is possible every day. Then you’ll be able to catch yourself more regularly, changing your negative thoughts to more hopeful and compassionate ones.

What thought are you going to add the word ‘yet’ to? Your homework for the week is to catch yourself thinking a negative self-thought. Then add the word ‘yet’ and see what happens. This small change is the minimum amount that you deserve. You are worth making this change and adding more self-kindness into your life. It’s a small change that will add up to big possibilities. Now get started on loving yourself the way you would love others.

Jen Hutchings, Ph.D, LMFT is a Therapist and Clinical Supervisor at Restore Therapy Collective. Jen started Restore as as way to help clients heal and grow through struggles in their life by connecting them with excellent, caring therapists. In her free time, Jen hangs out with with family and friends, snuggles her pets, and is always on the search for the perfect cup of tea.

New Year, New You

Wed, 22 Feb 2023 16:38:08 GMT

6 Tips for Making Your Resolutions a Reality

Why publish an article on New Year’s resolutions in February? Simple. February is the time we all start to fail and give up!

The arrival of a new year often inspires us to make positive changes in our lives and relationships. From losing weight to quitting smoking to going on more dates, we make resolutions with the best of intentions. However, many of us struggle to keep these promises to ourselves and we find ourselves back at square one by February. If you’re ready to turn your resolutions into reality, read on for 6 tips that can help you make this the year you achieve your goals.

One: Turn Your Dreams into Goals

A dream is a wish or hope that you have. You may want it really really badly. But just because we want something doesn’t mean that we are going to get it! Take time to turn your dreams and resolutions into actionable goals. Try to figure out a way for those goals to be measured and tracked. Break them down so you can take small steps and mark progress and celebrate early wins.

Two: Review Your Resolutions Every Day

Here’s the rule: what gets attention, gets action.

Pretty simple. If you forget it, you’ll miss it. So, review those resolutions often. Where will you keep the list to ensure you see it every day?

Think about how you can narrow the gap between where you are today and where you want to be tomorrow. Then do it.

Three: Create a Support System of Like-Minded People

Goal-setters need other goal-setters for understanding and encouragement. There are at least 3 types of relationships that could be helpful to you:

Peers : Who do you hang out with? How do you spend your social time? Can you cultivate friendships with people who will spur you on to action? A group of goal-setting and goal-communicating peers is a powerful thing. Even one is better than none.
Mentors : If you can find individuals who have already achieved things on your list, ask them for tips. What did they do that was helpful? What did they try that didn’t work?
Coaches : A life coach can help you create and work toward a plan of action for your personal resolutions. There are many life coaches out there, all you need to find one is a quick internet search. Look for a coach who has both training and experience—personally I prefer licensed therapists. Most coaches have some training, but the difference is therapists’ training met three levels of standards: the university graduate level program they completed, the state they were licensed in, and the profession to which they belong. By virtue of their profession, therapists also adhere to a higher standard of ethics, accountability, and confidentiality than non-therapist life coaches. Many therapists I know are trained in life coaching.

Four: Increase Your Energy and Stamina

You are more likely to achieve your personal goals if you have energy and endurance. Generally speaking, here’s what that means:

Eat healthier : Eating well is about balance, not about deprivation and starvation. Try to eat less sugary sweets, less processed foods, and as many whole foods as you can. I remind myself, “Mother Earth makes better food for me than humans do”. Oh, and eating healthy doesn’t have to be expensive. You don’t have to shop the most expensive grocery store or sign up for a health food delivery program. You can. But you don’t have to.
Exercise more by doing what you enjoy : Is there anything worse than trying to convince yourself you actually want to walk on a treadmill? When it’s cold, try skiing or snowboarding, ice skating, or—if you want to be inside—join a gym or an aquatics center. When it’s warm, get out in nature—try hiking, cycling, kayaking, or rock climbing; or, get social—find a group that plays soccer or basketball on Saturday mornings. Find what works for you. Are you a person who likes routine or variety? We don’t just exercise to lose weight; we exercise to improve our cardio and pulmonary function (heart and lungs), boost our mental health, and even purge toxins from our body by way of sweat.
Get the right amount of sleep : The ideal for the average adult is 7-8 hours per night. If something regularly impedes your sleep (sorry, not young children!), like sleep apnea, leg cramps, or an uncomfortable bed, make a plan to correct it. Your immune system suffers when you do not get enough sleep. Insufficient sleep can reduce the body’s production of protective cytokines, which are crucial in defending against infections!

Five: Reduce Stress in Your Life

One of the best ways to reduce stress and anxiety is through traditional talk therapy. A therapist can help you create external strategies to reduce the number of stressors coming your way as well as internal strategies to manage those you simply must handle.

Another great idea, is to begin a journey of living more simply. I remember when I discovered The Power of Less by Leo Babauta back in 2008. If you haven’t read it, you should.

Aside from living more simply, you can alleviate stress through practices such as deep breathing, yoga, socializing with friends, reading, journaling, expressing creativity in your preferred medium, or exercise.

Six: Expand Your Focus Time

More time without demand or distraction allows you more time to pursue and achieve these resolutions. The primary ways to do this is are:

Set healthier boundaries : Start with setting better boundaries around work and unhealthy relationships. If you are unfamiliar with this concept or need a refresher there are many great books, blogs, and podcasts on the subject.
Reduce your task load : I recommend killing it DEAD. The productivity concept of DEAD comes from another book I highly recommend: What’s Best Next by Matt Perman. The goal here is to reduce non-priorities so we can do what really matters. DEAD is (1) Delegate, (2) Eliminate, (3) Automate, and (4) Defer.
Minimize distraction : You will be amazed how much more productive and creative you’ll be if you can do this. Eliminate interruptions by turning off your phone, closing email, and minimizing the use of social media during your focused time. You’ll find that you’re able to complete tasks more efficiently and have a greater sense of accomplishment afterward.

Well, that’s it!

If you need help, our team at Restore Therapy is here for you. Contact us at 616-228-9244 or submit a secure contact form to get scheduled with a Restore therapist today!

Bryan R. Wisdom, MDiv, MA, LLMFT is a therapist with Restore Therapy Collective (100% telehealth), and has been involved in helping work for 19+ years. His personal mission is the help others live authentically, make better decisions, develop healthier relationships, and adventure beyond impossible. He loves his wife and kids, counseling, learning, comedy, strategy board games, travel, and outdoor adventures.

Finding Moments of Simplicity

Sun, 15 Jan 2023 19:29:22 GMT

Recently a friend of mine asked what I missed about home when I shared my plans of visiting Turkey after not being home for a few years. I had this pressure to list all the cool places to visit and events to go, or museums/historical sights to see, or whatever you are supposed to do when you go to a different country. I felt like I had to say that, but what came out of my mind was just the "simplicity of things". Simply being in my childhood home with my family around. Going to the bakery in the morning to get fresh bread and stopping by the local butcher to grab something to make for lunch that day. Going out for a random lunch with my family and spending two or three hours sipping wine without rushing to my next destination. That is what I miss about home. Is that too unrealistic of a lifestyle to create here in the United States? How do you create simplicity in your own life? Why do I crave that so much but fail to make it my lifestyle here despite my longing for it? Now I get that sipping wine for 2 hours during lunchtime may not fit well with my work schedule for many obvious reasons. But is it possible for me to incorporate some of the simplicities that helps me feel more grounded and live in the present moment? I think I have to give it a try.

It is so interesting how I find myself getting "antsy" and even guilty when I spend a couple hours doing simply nothing. I feel the same pressure or feelings of guilt when I visit home and when I have three hour long breakfast by the Bosphorus Bridge in Istanbul with my family I have not seen in a while. Why the guilt? Does not it sound so magical? Being in a city, my beautiful home, the city that lies on two continents. Why is there any room for negative feelings? It makes me ponder about the origins of this negative belief system. "I need to be productive in order to enjoy the beautiful things life has to offer". Every moment I spend without doing something constructive, I feel this intense discomfort. Even if I am on vacation and don't have anything else on the agenda, but to rest and enjoy life. It should not feel wrong, but it does.

I decided that I will not wait to be on "vacation" and create simple pleasures each day to look forward to, because I deserve it. My value is not dependent on the level of productivity I have each day. I come from a culture in which you eat food because it's enjoyable, not simply to feed and nourish yourself or so that you have sustenance for the next couple hours when you need to get so much work done. You do not meet your friends at the gym and try to have a conversation as you are running on the treadmill (How does one even do that?) because that is the only time you get. You meet them for coffee and spend hours talking and laughing and somehow talking about things you have not thought about in a while. Because there is no stress or anxiety of having to be somewhere soon, so you get to dive deep and get curious, explore, contemplate, ponder, maybe cry a little, and feel alive, not just go through the motions and constantly feel like you are in a race.

There is a reason I chose to live far away from home and so far away from my family. I appreciate everything life has to offer in United States. I love the structure, organization, and the strong work ethic among many other things. But I find myself getting sucked in to the routine everyone around me seems to be complaining about, but maybe it's time to stop normalizing working overtime and not getting enough sleep. I get that sometimes you don't have the luxury to take your time and slow down, that you got bills to pay, meetings to attend, children to take care of. But maybe it does not have to be so black and white. I am thinking maybe I can take an hour lunch and meet with a friend I have not seen in a while. I can leave work at a decent time to go home and cook/enjoy a meal I make for myself rather than passing out on the couch after a long day of work and skipping dinner, because I sometimes don't even have the energy to eat. And I read back that last sentence again, that is pretty sad; not having the energy to eat. That is not why I sacrificed being away from home and my beautiful family all these years. It is so that I create a life that I enjoy along with aforementioned qualities I love and appreciate about the American culture. I encourage you to also rethink and reorganize your own life and prioritize yourself, simply because you deserve it.

So, how are you going to simplify your own life?

Hande Walker, MA, LLP is a therapist at Restore Therapy Collective. In her free time Hande enjoys long walks or a hike in the nature. Besides spending time with friends and family, Hande loves reading-especially psychological thriller books. To schedule an appointment with Hande, please send a secure message through our contact form .

Restore Reads: Heartbreak

Thu, 07 Apr 2022 13:05:17 GMT

Most of us have experienced that gut wrenching feeling in response to rejection, abandonment, or feeling unaccepted. Why do we try so hard to avoid these experiences at all costs? For very good reasons, of course.

Did you know that the same brain regions are getting activated when you are rejected (social pain) and when you are in physical pain? Florence Williams talks about the impact of heartbreak on the heart, digestive, and immune systems in her book. It is very interesting to see that emotional pain is not just something you experience psychologically, but that it causes a myriad of physical symptoms.

We are wired to feel accepted, to be loved, and to belong. Think about being picked last when choosing teams in high school. Being ghosted by a romantic partner. Not being invited to your friend’s wedding. We’ve all been there! Feeling hurt, lonely, guilty, embarrassed, depressed, angry, hopeless… How do you respond to such situations? Perhaps you find culprit within you and think “ I am too weak to be feeling this way. It should not feel that bad or this painful. I was only dating them for a few months”. Or are you in denial, proclaiming “I’ve never really wanted this job anyway”. Maybe you avoid relationships and fear attachment? Running away the moment you sense that things are getting serious?

Sometimes relatively insignificant life events can trigger past hurts and attachment injuries with primary caregivers. For instance, if you got rejected in a social situation, it may bring up past memories of emotional neglect. The messages you’ve internalized from childhood can resurface as a result of current life experiences. Then the question becomes “What are these messages you’ve internalized that are impacting the way you relate to others today? What meaning did you make to the childhood abuse or neglect you’ve been through?” That you are not deserving of love, you do not matter, or are not worthy?

Although it is natural to feel sad, depressed, embarrassed, and even temporarily lose your confidence as a response to rejection, it may be helpful to seek help from a mental health professional if it is causing you to avoid relationships or preventing you from connecting with others in a deeper way. Therapy can also be really helpful in identifying these negative core beliefs established in childhood and prevent these deeply instilled beliefs from being self-fulfilling prophecies.

If you are interested in reading more about the impact of heartache on your health, you can read Florence William’s book Heartbreak .

Concerned, Yet Hopeful: Part 2

Fri, 04 Feb 2022 13:19:10 GMT

In my last blog I outlined the mental health challenges facing our teens today. From unlimited screen time and social media, to overparenting and uber organized lives that leave little time for self-directed activity. The concept of internal locus of control suggests that kids and teens need age-appropriate freedoms and training in order to achieve the developmental task of self-efficacy. Self-efficacy is simply defined as one’s belief that they have the power to affect positive outcomes that influence their well-being.

With a strong sense of self-efficacy, a person is able to engage challenges in life as an opportunity for mastery rather than a threat to avoid. Imagine your teen (or yourself) approaching a problem as an opportunity for mastery rather than a threat to avoid. Again, teens with an internal locus of control are more willing to engage and overcome challenges because they have developed the belief that they are capable of reaching a positive outcome. On the contrary, teens with a predominantly external locus of control have learned that the conditions around them are responsible for the outcome. You can see which group is better suited to solve academic challenges, adapt to a new social group, build a satisfying relationship, or learn a new job.

The year I graduated high school a powerful and controversial film was released, “Dead Poets Society” (1989). This film was set in an all-boys preparatory school. The beginning of the film shows us the boys reciting their creed, dressed in their uniforms, dutifully following the rules, and marching in step. They are separated from the world and meticulously managed. The school, their parents, and society expect a lot from these talented young men, and it has them passive and melancholy. Then they meet their new English professor (Robin Williams) who uses the romantic poets to challenge the boys (and staff) to think for themselves, to find their own way, to choose their own passions. Let’s look at some of the lines from the film in the light of internal vs external locus of control:

Neil Perry: “I went to the woods because I wanted to live deliberately. I wanted to live deep and suck out all the marrow of life” – taken from Henry David Thoreau

John Keating: “Carpe diem. Seize the day, boys. Make your lives extraordinary”.

John Keating: “You must strive to find your own voice because the longer you wait to begin, the less likely you are going to find it at all”.

Charlie (lamenting): “Gotta do more, gotta be more….my parents made me take the clarinet for years, I hated it. But the saxophone, its more sonorous.”

John Keating: “That you are here – that life exists, and identity; that the powerful play goes on and you may contribute a verse”.

Now, like most stories of adolescent freedom or individuality, this one ends in tragedy. But the tragedy is not due to the empowering of the boys, it’s the lack of support they receive from the adults in their life as they attempt to develop their own internal locus of control. Each step they take towards self-efficacy (playing the saxophone, joining a play, building a radio, asking a girl on a date) is followed with enthusiasm and joy. As they learn to seize the day, find their voice, contribute their verse, the boys show a growing sense of confidence and self-efficacy.

Yet they need the support of the adults in their lives. Parents, teachers, and society still hold power to oppose these gains. And so, every developing young person needs their own cheerleader; parents who encourage and love, teachers who allow free and critical thought, counselors who teach mental and emotional resilience. Children and teens must be allowed to take on the risks and challenges of their lives, but they do need our adult guidance and expertise. They need effective tools and lessons from adults to be equipped to meet developmental milestones, such as self-efficacy, with success.

If you have a teen or child that appears to be struggling with depression, anxiety, or lack of motivation and joy, this is a good place to start. The teenage years do not have to be as bad as we are led to believe. Teenagers are not by nature lazy, unmotivated, disinterested, sad, scared, mopey, or angry. Those are symptoms that they don’t feel empowered and equipped to take on life and see a positive outcome. Those are signs that they have not yet found their own voice, are not contributing their verse, and living deliberately. It means they need help in learning how.

Listen to their language. Do you hear phrases such as “I can do it”, “I can try”, “I want to improve, or learn, or explore” this or that thing? If not, they may need some additional training to more fully develop their sense of self-efficacy and internal locus of control. Reaching out to a qualified counselor with experience in these areas might be a good first step.

Jason Anderson, LMSW is a therapist at Restore Therapy Collective. Jason’s work stems from a desire to see people overcome personal barriers, form authentic relationships, and appreciate the beauty around them. Jason also has a deep love for using wilderness travel adventures to bring people to new discoveries within themselves and foster a greater love for the natural world.

Concerned (and Hopeful) About the Mental Health Crisis in Kids & Teens

Thu, 27 Jan 2022 18:11:33 GMT

More and more data is surfacing about the mental health crisis in our children and teens. A recent statistic from the American Psychological Association shows that 1 in 5 under the age of 18 have a diagnosable mental health disorder, and only 20% of these children are receiving professional help or treatment for their feelings of depression and anxiety.

We are all mostly aware of some of the recent factors that contribute to this rise. Covid-19 protocols created periods of isolation and disruption from routines and school services. Socially and politically, it feels like our families and communities have never been so fractured and full of distrust. Social media has now been researched long enough to show direct correlation between screen time and anxiety in teens.

There is another factor, however, that I have been following since I obtained my Masters in Social Work in 2011. It’s an idea called “internal locus of control” and it’s absence is one of the leading factors associated with depression and anxiety in children (and adults). The idea contrasts the freedom one experiences to direct their own life (internal), versus the external expectations, busyness, stress, and social demands that dictate choices from the outside.

Researchers at the University of Michigan found the time kids spent at school has increased by more than 18%, and time spent on homework has increased 145% since the 1980’s. This study doesn’t even include the time spent at structured practices, rehearsals, clubs or games. We have become so performance driven that our kids have less and less time for “free play”.

In our performance driven culture in which we find worth and value in what we produce or achieve, kids are losing the sense that they have freedom to be curious and explore. Less time to play, and less motivation to play outside. A Dutch study found that 30% of kids play freely outside only once a week or less. Another study in the US shows that 80% of kids today feel less “in control” of their lives than kids from my era. This disparity provides content for interesting memes about growing up in the 70s and 80s, but it is also having very real consequences for the mental health of our kids today.

Well-meaning parents are giving their kids more parenting time, hoping to give them a competitive advantage or keep them safer. Parents today spend 150% more time parenting than our parents did in the 1980’s. The unintended consequence? Kids feel less independent, less in control of their own lives, less capable, and therefore experience a diminishing “internal locus of control”.

For all of our efforts to give our kids a better life, we are forgetting that one of their primary developmental tasks is to achieve a belief in their own self-efficacy. Kids need to face challenges and risks. Kids need to face boredom. Kids need to invent some of their own games, follow some new paths from day to day, and discover the real world around them. In these choices and discoveries they will form one of the healthiest cognitions for any of us, “I can do this”.

So for all of the bad news, where is the hope?

The hope is that deep within their DNA, kids are still humans that want a chance to direct their own lives! Anyone who has parented a toddler can remember that raw strength of will and determination. I recently asked my 8 ^th grader “what is the fastest land mammal?”. He said “cheetah”. But I corrected him and said , “Nope, a toddler who was just asked ‘what do you have in your mouth?!’”

Kids are hardwired to manage some risk and develop strengths in the face of challenges. An encouraging study from Scandinavia found that elementary kids who were exposed to more free play, including slightly higher risk levels, were less likely to encounter injury or distress. Believe it or not, they navigated the more “dangerous” playground equipment with less supervision and developed their own skills for maintaining both their physical safety and mental health. They built an “internal locus of control” for directing their own behavior in a wide open world!

In my next blog, I’ll dive further into how kids, teens specifically, can strengthen an “internal locus of control” and build resilience against depression and anxiety.

Why You May Want to Rock That Boat

Fri, 21 Jan 2022 14:15:52 GMT

I often hear the couples I am working with say... Well, I do not want to rock the boat ... when I encourage them to go deeper and share their frustrations with their partner. These frustrations stem from not expressing their needs due to the fear that it may disrupt the peace in the relationship.

How do you maintain peace in your relationship? Does it feel safe to have different viewpoints with your partner? When asked to identify unmet needs in the relationship, do you find yourself expressing your need only to minimize it right away and finding an explanation as to why your partner may not able to meet that need for you?

He is busy, she does not have energy after working so hard all day, or maybe you are telling yourself how needy you are and that you just want attention.

I think it is in these moments when you believe that your partner is not capable of change you attempt to find the culprit within you. Perhaps you are unaware that you are craving that emotional connection and that these needs and wants are only natural. They are also valid!

Society and sometimes our families of origin tell us to be strong and independent. It makes sense then why we feel confused when we are still dissatisfied no matter how much strength and confidence we have in our capabilities to get what we want. It is okay to want the other person (our partners) to hold us, to tell us that things will be all right when we need that reassurance. There is difference between being needy and having needs.

According to Dr. Sue Johnson, “the drive to emotionally attach is wired into our genes and our bodies. It is as basic to life, health, and happiness as the drives for food, shelter, or sex. We need emotional attachment to survive”.

When you realize you are starting to avoid conflict by pretending like you have the picture perfect relationship but you find yourself experiencing communication difficulties , I encourage you to ask yourself the following questions:

Asking these important questions and confronting your conflict avoidance tendencies can be a game changer for your relationship. Having open and honest conversations about your needs and desires can get you a step further in actually getting those needs met. Having these conversations in a safe and nonjudgmental atmosphere can increase the emotional connection and foster the secure bond, which then may improve the communication in the relationship.

If you find yourself considering if the support of a mental health professional is needed to create that safety in your relationship and to have these transformative conversations with your partner, reach out to us at 616-228-9244 or contact us here to see if one of Restore's providers might be a good fit.

Parenting: Never Say Never

Fri, 14 Jan 2022 17:47:46 GMT

I always told myself I would never be that parent that lost their cool in front of their kids simply because they refused to listen. After all, I have an abundance of tools to manage my emotions and regulate them in the moment. I’ve got this!

And then my sweet infant grew into a toddler. Never say never, right?

It's as if all my professional training and personal insight flew right out the window! Thankfully a simple reminder of brain physiology and function validates both my experience and my toddler’s.

We have literally flipped our lids . Think of it like a lid on a pot of boiling water. As the heat increases, there isn’t much we can do to keep the water from boiling over and knocking the lid off the pot except lowering the heat or removing it from the heat source.

All the tools I had hoped to use to manage my reaction in a situation when I am flooded with emotions are momentarily offline as my amygdala overrides my prefrontal cortex. To put it mildly, I’m in fight, flight, or freeze mode in response to my toddler’s behavior. If I recognize my current state, I can give myself the space and time to allow the higher thinking part of my brain to return to “online” and respond in a healthy, productive manner.

Take a look at my new parenting goals that now replace the absolute unattainable goal of never losing my cool:

Give myself and my toddler a lot of grace,
Continue the never-ending work of noticing and managing my emotions in flooded situations, and
Apologize to my kids when I inevitably lose my cool.

Lindsey Afton, M.A., LMFT, LPC, is the Practice Coordinator at Restore Therapy Collective. After the death of her stillborn daughter, she stepped away from her clinical role as a Marriage and Family Therapist to focus on finding her healthy grieving lifestyle alongside her husband and children. She is constantly exploring new methods of self-care, learning how to parent while grieving, and searching for the next perfect meme.

14 Awesome Things about Counseling via Telehealth

Mon, 03 Jan 2022 15:37:08 GMT

Have you considered whether counseling via telehealth is a good option for you?

Advances in modern technology have made telehealth more available and affordable than ever before. Telehealth videoconference platforms are both secure and HIPAA compliant, meaning you’ll get the same level of privacy and confidentiality you would receive from an in-person counseling session, and all your personal health information is secure too. Of course, I’m assuming you’re not going connect to the session from a coffeeshop.

There are a few reasons why an in-person session could be best, like counseling for young children or some specific family counseling situations, but overall, you can get the help and support you need through counseling via telehealth.

Here’s my top 14 awesome things about counseling via telehealth. Take a look and consider if it might be a good (or better) option for your needs.

1. Convenience & Flexibility

In general, you will find that choosing counseling via telehealth over in-person will offer you more convenience and flexibility. Read on and I’ll explain what I mean.

2. There’s No Place Like Home

Ah!... the comfort of your own space. There’s nothing like it. Not having to leave your house to make a counseling appointment is fantastic. And not just for agoraphobia. Being in your own home for session can reduce your anxiety. Want to sit in your bed? Do it. Pet your dog? Fine by me!

3. Bye-Bye Commute

Speaking of anxiety, I hate the feeling of rushing to get somewhere and fear of running late. How about you? With a telehealth appointment, you’re less likely to be running late for the session. No traffic = no stress. And if you’re taking time off from your workday, you could connect from your car, so you aren’t risking being late getting back to work. Added bonus: you can save money on gas, parking, and/or public transportation.

4. Better First Session

Telehealth could improve the experience of your first session, especially if it’s your first-time doing therapy. First sessions can be disorienting. With telehealth you don’t need to look up the therapy office on Google Maps, then calculate when you need to leave, then drive around looking for parking, then find the physical office, then wait in the waiting room, and then try to get comfortable in the room when its finally your turn. Why not cut that whole unnecessary part out?

5. Germ-Free

Whether you’re concerned about Covid-19, Flu season, or you’re an amateur germaphobe, connecting from your own space means less exposure to potential illness. This is can be especially important for elders and immunocompromised persons. And if, (perish the thought!) the government ever issues another stay-at-home order, you’re already prepared.

6. Lunch Break Counseling

If you work full-time 40, 50, 60+ hours a week, scheduling counseling appointments can be difficult. Many therapists offer evening and weekend appointments, but they’re coveted and often full. With telehealth, there’s no reason you have to wait until after work (or even take off time from work). If you have an hour lunch break, you have time for an appointment.

7. Separate, But Together

Who said you can’t be in two places at once? We can be in three places at once, at least for couples counseling via telehealth we can. Couples can access from two different locations. Is one spouse on the road a lot? Or flies out more than 50x a year? Maybe one of you works in a different town during the week, staying at a hotel or apartment, and only is home on the weekend. Or maybe you’re on a trial separation but still trying to make the marriage work. Try telehealth couples counseling with a Restore therapist.

8. Therapy-on-Wheels

When your counseling appointments are all telehealth, the therapy room moves with you! So go on, travel for work, travel for vacation, travel to your heart’s content, you can still make your sessions. Also, if you happen to move towns (within the same state), you won’t have to change therapists.

9. No Childcare? No Problem!

Many of us care for children or a senior adult during the day. Daycare can be expensive. Bringing them along to your appointment is both stressful and impractical. Telehealth appointments enable you to take care of yourself and them at the same time.

10. Family Pop-ins

Many clients find value in having a family member attend their session for a particular purpose. They aren’t interested in ongoing family therapy, but it can be helpful to have a family member—spouse, parent, child, or sibling—“pop-in” for one session or a part of a session. If the family member you want to come is unsure about therapy in general, asking them something like, “Hey, I have an appointment with my therapist next Tuesday at 10am on my computer; would you mind swinging by my place and joining us for 15 minutes?” can be way less intimidating. Or you might find yourself in the middle of a session and say, “You know, I think it would be helpful to have my wife’s perspective on this, can she join us for a sec?”

11. Screenshare

If I think of something that might help a telehealth client (an article, a book, an image, a diagram) while we’re in session, I can immediately look it up and show them by using screenshare. Otherwise, I’d have to make a note to myself, and either send it to them or bring it to the next session. Similarly, a client can show their homework, or a journal entry, or a photo, without having to remember to bring it with them.

12. Less No-Shows

It’s just easier to make it to a telehealth counseling appointment. So that cuts down on “no-shows”. “No-shows” are when a client has a scheduled appointment but doesn’t show up for the appointment and hasn’t contacted their therapist ahead of time. No-shows are bad for everyone. A no-show is bad for you because 1) inconsistent work yields inconsistent results, and 2) you most likely will be charged a fee. No-shows are also bad for therapists ( it makes them grumpy sometimes ) and for their other clients, because there’s no time to offer the therapy hour to another client.

13. Save Green

By “green” I mean good ole’ cash money! Did you know some insurance plans only cover part of the fee for an in-person appointment, but 100% for a telehealth appointment? I’m serious. You should check with your insurance.

14. Increased Access

Expanding telehealth helps clients everywhere. Clients who live in rural areas don’t have to drive to a big city. Clients who are wanting to see a specialist also don’t have to drive a long way. There’s always been underserved geographical areas in mental health, but since the beginning of 2020 it seems like there’s a shortage of therapists everywhere. Primarily this is because the number of people seeking counseling is at an all-time high. Choosing telehealth saves time for everyone, and when you choose telehealth, you choose to help increase access for others in need as telehealth can solve accessibility issues beyond long drives. Clients with physical disabilities or mobility concerns may benefit as well.

Ready to get started working on your mental, emotional, or relational wellness via telehealth? We’re ready too. Contact us at 616-228-9244 or through our secure contact form to get scheduled with a Restore therapist today!

Authentically Me

Wed, 15 Dec 2021 14:01:57 GMT

Using Your Voice to Connect in Relationships

Recently, a very good friend of mine who visited from Portland, Oregon told me that she is exhausted from thinking too strategically before she voices an opinion in the workplace and life in general. She said she constantly felt consumed by the effort she put in to think critically before she spoke. After all, are we all not supposed to think twice before we speak so we do not say something wrong and hurt the feelings of others?

How do you know how much thinking before speaking is sufficient or extra?

My friend’s statement resonated with me as this dilemma is a challenge I go through a lot in my own life. I want to be loving, caring, and most importantly be accepted in interpersonal relationships; both personal and professional, so I think before I speak. Sometimes to the detriment of my own authenticity. I sometimes find myself overdoing the thinking part, editing my thoughts to the extent that what I am left with is the bits and pieces of the real me.

I also find my clients especially couples going through the same challenge. I can almost hear their thought process without them saying anything: Do I be honest and express my needs and desires to my partner or is that unacceptable for my partner? It makes me think about the feeling of safety or the lack thereof in interpersonal relationships.

What is feeling safe in the relationship, anyway? Is it the mere fact that someone is present in our life through thick and thin? Or more?

To me, safety means being able to show my authentic self without putting on a front in order to avoid rejection. It is being able to take risks without fearing the consequences. Saying no to someone, disagreeing, setting healthy boundaries, acknowledging any wrongdoing and saying sorry, but also not saying sorry if it’s not necessary, or releasing relationships that no longer serve you. To me, these all require a feeling of safety within ourselves and in our interpersonal relationships.

It is amazing to see the change the moment you take a risk and be the most authentic version of yourself - both for yourself and others. For yourself, it is liberating knowing that you don’t have to second guess yourself. It can also lead to improved self-confidence and more life satisfaction, because you are living in alignment with your values. It encourages others to also allow themselves to be vulnerable and open-hearted.

Hande Walker, MA, TLLP is a therapist at Restore Therapy Collective. In her free time Hande enjoys long walks or a hike in the nature. Besides spending time with friends and family, Hande loves reading-especially psychological thriller books. To schedule an appointment with Hande, please send a secure message through our contact form .

Gratitude and...

Tue, 23 Nov 2021 00:31:42 GMT

As Thanksgiving approaches, we are often reminded to express our gratitude as we gather around the table, and research has shown that expressing gratitude can have multiple benefits including increased optimism & happiness, improved relationships, and better health ( 1 ) .

But what about those times we just don’t feel like it? Should we only express feelings of gratitude and ignore all the other emotions we experience this time of year?

Well, no...because research also shows us that ignoring negative emotions can lead to a variety of consequences including physical ailments, feelings of irritability and depression, increased stress, suppression of the immune system, and sleep issues ( 2 ). Yikes, right?!

So what can we do to attend to both positive and negative emotions during this time when we are often expected to only express joy and merriment?

One simple yet effective tool I rely on is replacing the word but with and . Take a look at the following examples with just a one-word difference and see how it can completely change the tone.

That simple, yet powerful substitution of and in place of where I typically say but can change the tone of the message I am trying to convey whether just to myself or to another recipient.

And by holding both negative and positive emotions in the same space I validate my complex emotional range and allow time and space for each feeling to be recognized.

Who's steering this thing?...& other thoughts of panic

Fri, 05 Nov 2021 17:13:03 GMT

It's amazing the places and situations in which one of those lightbulb metaphors strike you like a lightening bolt. Personally, I love a good metaphor . They can be such powerful tools used to describe and explain a life narrative.

My lightening bolt induced metaphor came to me while riding in the stoker (rear seat) position of a tandem in my very first gravel bike race this weekend. Proceeded by the thought of "what am I doing on this bike hurling down a hill at speeds that made the bike sound like a rickety old rollercoaster while hitting Michigan potholes?!?...all WITHOUT being able to steer and brake when I want to?!?" I began to think how a few years ago my anxiety and fear of letting another person be in control would have stopped me from even considering to get on that bike in the first place.

Get ready for the metaphor.

I don't always have to be the one to steer & determine the speed of which we're barreling down a hill because in this case, my pilot was so much more qualified for the position. While this was my first legitimate bike race, this was one of hundreds for her. Yes, I was still anxious about the new experience. But I knew that allowing her to be in the pilot seat, I had made the safest & healthiest decision by letting her take control.

It's okay to ask for help from others who have more experience, more expertise, and more wisdom. It doesn't mean I failed by taking a backseat in this metaphor. It means I knew what I could handle in this specific situation and relied on the help and assistance of someone much more experienced than me who was willing to share her love of cycling with someone too anxious to try on her own.

Jill Martindale , the tandem pilot, is a successful & accomplished gravel, mountain, & fat bike rider who loves to share her passion for the outdoors & bicycles to anyone & everyone!

Lindsey Afton, M.A., LMFT, LPC, author & tandem stoker, is the Practice Coordinator at Restore Therapy Collective. After the death of her stillborn daughter, she stepped away from her clinical role as a Marriage and Family Therapist to focus on finding her healthy grieving lifestyle alongside her husband and children. She is constantly exploring new methods of self-care, learning how to parent while grieving, and searching for the next perfect meme.

Rupture and Repair

Thu, 23 Sep 2021 17:21:59 GMT

So you gave in to your temporary impulse and said things you might not have said when you were levelheaded. Now what?

It is not about the rupture in the relationship, but about how you repair the damage. I heard this concept first when I was in my group therapy class in grad school. It brought a great comfort to me knowing this.

To know that arguing is a natural part of being in an intimate relationship was revolutionary to me. When we argue with our loved ones, it is natural to feel guilty and bad about the way we contributed to the “damage”. We may constantly think about the hurtful words that came out of our mouths and perhaps try to find ways to justify our behaviors.

They deserved it because they hurt us first. They shouldn’t have acted that way in the first place.

It becomes hard to tolerate the internal conflict that we experience; on one hand, the desire to be a loving partner and wanting to avoid conflict & preserve the peace in the relationship, and on the other hand, the intense guilt and shame of having uttered hurtful words to our partner. Although one can always learn productive ways to resolve conflict, it is important to be curious about the discomfort that comes with this internal conflict.

Am I a bad person for saying those things to my partner? What went so wrong?

It is important to do some self-reflection and learn affect regulation, self soothing, and effective coping skills in order to prevent destructive arguing. However, it simply is not realistic to say that now that we have learned all the healthy ways to communicate effectively, we will always be calm and reasonable during times of conflict. It may be helpful to come to terms with the idea that we may hurt our loved ones regardless of the reason behind our actions.

Conflict is inevitable in any intimate relationship. It is only when we acknowledge our part in the conflict, we can move towards repair .

Living a Life of Grief...in a world that just wants to FIX IT!

Thu, 22 Jul 2021 17:15:23 GMT

Living a Life of Grief...in a world that just wants to FIX IT!

Have you moved on yet? Aren't you over it yet?

Most grieving individuals have encountered these questions more than once on their never-ending grief journey with the assumption that grief will one day be healed or disappear entirely.

As social creatures, we dislike seeing others suffer in pain and often cannot deal with the uncomfortable feelings that their pain brings up in us. So if someone is in pain, we fix it and move on, right? And by ‘fix it’ I mean disregard and minimize their grief and pain. Yikes!

So could there be another option? What if instead of encouraging those grieving to move past their pain by 'getting over' their feelings of grief and despair, we offer to come alongside them and encourage them to live out a life of grief in whatever ways are healthy for them?

As a member of the "Loss Mom" club (mothers who have experienced pregnancy or infant loss), I have observed a multitude of healthy grieving lifestyles that work for one family and not for another. Grieving is an independent exploration of what is right for you and your experience . What feels right for my family includes displaying pictures of our stillborn daughter throughout our home, talking about her to her younger siblings, and celebrating her birthday with loads of ice cream & a gift or donation in her name to an organization or cause that has captured our attention and time over the past year. Other loss families might show their grief in completely different ways than my family does. And that’s okay!

So to those who are grieving, I'd encourage you to find what works for you - find what encourages a healthy life of grief whether that is through personal exploration or by seeking professional therapy.

And to those who are watching others grieve, I'd encourage you to see their strength and resilience as they seek to find health in a life of grief. Find ways to come alongside---ways that feel like a good fit for you and your grieving loved one or friend---rather than nudging them to ‘get over it.’

Lindsey Afton, M.A., LMFT, LPC is the Practice Coordinator at Restore Therapy Collective. After the death of her stillborn daughter, she stepped away from her clinical role as a Marriage and Family Therapist to focus on finding her healthy grieving lifestyle alongside her husband and children. She is constantly exploring new methods of self-care, learning how to parent while grieving, and searching for the next perfect meme.

Marriage Counseling Is Not BS

Fri, 07 May 2021 11:38:31 GMT

Marriage Counseling Is Not BS

I wanted to write a response to an article in The Huffington Post written by author and coach, Laura Doyle, entitled “6 Reasons Why Marriage Counseling is BS” (10/13/2012).

For a variety of reasons, the author encourages couples to avoid marriage counseling if they are struggling. This is harmful to those who have used this valuable resource and discourages those who may be considering finding a marriage counselor. This shame based approach invalidates the courage that it takes for a couple to acknowledge that what they are doing is not working. Additional relationship tools or a different understanding can improve a relationship, married or not.

A qualified marriage counselor is specifically trained to understand the dynamics of a distressed couple. They also understand that many couples wait too long until their choice is between calling a marriage counselor or a divorce attorney.

Marriage counselors understand that their role is to create a safe space in which to gently challenge partners to explore those areas that are getting in the way of their relationships and encourage them to make changes.

Marriage counselors understand that two people were once drawn to each other for very specific reasons and try to recreate those positive interactions.

Marriage counselors understand that the families in which you were born affect the way that you ‘do’ relationships now. They understand that sometimes there are roadblocks that get in the way of intimacy and sometimes new tools are needed.

Marriage counselors are licensed mental health professions who are trained to diagnose and assess mental health issues that may interfere with a couples’ satisfaction. Marriage counselors are also trained to recognize signs of emotional and physically unhealthy relationships and understand the appropriate steps to take.

There is a substantial body of research that supports the effectiveness of marriage counseling, including individual counseling, as well as couples’ satisfaction.

Research indicates that marriage and family therapy is as effective, and in some cases more effective than standard and/or individual treatments for many mental health problems such as: adult schizophrenia, affective (mood) disorders, adult alcoholism and drug abuse, children’s conduct disorders, adolescent drug abuse, anorexia in young adult women, childhood autism, chronic physical illness in adults and children, and marital distress and conflict. After receiving treatment, almost 90% of clients report an improvement in their emotional health, and nearly two-thirds report an improvement in their overall physical health. A majority of clients report an improvement in their functioning at work, and over three-fourths of those receiving marital/couples or family therapy report an improvement in the couple relationship. (American Association for Marriage and Family Therapy – www.aamft.org).

Yes, marriage counseling is an expense – the same way you would pay to maintain your home, your vehicle, secure your future or spend it on a vacation or large screen TV.

Yes, you have to work on the relationship even if you are in counseling. You don’t get fit just by buying a gym membership.

Relationship counseling can change relationships, heal past hurts, open hearts, and empower couples to change their lives.

How do you find a marriage counselor with significant training in treating couples? Explore the database of the members of the American Association for Marriage and Family Therapy (AAMFT) on www.therapistlocator.net and find someone that you feel comfortable with. Look for a therapist with specific training in couple and family therapy - either in a graduate program that focuses on working with relationships or a therapist that has specific, extensive training after their graduate degree.

You Are Worthy

Thu, 06 May 2021 14:15:46 GMT

You Are Worthy

You know those days, months, years when you feel small? Less than? Did you know that it affects your relationship with others?

Oprah introduced me to Brene Brown one day as I was flipping through channels and stopped on her Super Soul Sunday interview with her. I was fascinated by her research and by her ability to tell stories about fuzzy, difficult topics in clear ways. Brene Brown, Ph.D is a research professor at the University of Houston Graduate School of Social Work and studies vulnerability, courage, worthiness, and shame. She has two TED Talks – one on vulnerability (2010) and one on shame (2012) that are full of so much good stuff that you’ll have to go back and watch them several times to absorb it.

Here is her first one – The Power of Vulnerability . In it, she also tells a funny and authentic story of her encounter with her new therapist which many of us can relate to.

Next, watch Listening to Shame and learn how to be courageous in relationships.

If you want to read more, two of her books are Daring Greatly and The Gift of Imperfection.

You are worthy of connection. You are good enough. Once you feel as though you are worthy of connection, you are able to give and receive from others.

You are worthy.

How to Go Deeper with Conversations

Thu, 06 May 2021 14:15:44 GMT

How to Go Deeper with Conversations

[Dr. Eppler is one of the best question askers and listeners I know. I am appreciative for this post and for the way she gently encourages connection and growth. I hope it encourages you to continue to lean in towards connection with others. – Jen]

You know when several of your therapist friends post the same blog entry that it is going to be good (or controversial enough incite an academic riot). Recently, quite a few of my colleagues and friends posted Momastery’s post on relationship-saving questions . The thesis of this entry is simple and elegant: ask rich, thoughtful, caring, and provocative questions.

Instead of asking, “How are you?,” ask more thoughtful questions.

“Did you feel lonely today?”

“Did you feel proud?”

“How is your mom’s chemo going?”

These are specific and heartfelt queries. They increase intimacy, empathy, and bonds in relationships, factors needed for healthy relationships. As a family therapist, this advice resonates with solid communication research and what we know about family cohesion and health. Yes! Ask good questions.

And…

There will always be times when folks, out of habit or just not knowing what to ask, ask, “How are you?” And, it can be hard to answer that question. It is big, amorphous, and vague. However, we can choose our response. We can answer in a similar vein, “Oh, I’m ok.” or “I’m busy.”

Instead, we can answer as if we were asked the most interesting question in the world.

How are you?

“Oh, I felt a little lonely when…”

“I’m disappointed that my mom’s chemo is making her tired. It scares me.”

“I jumped for joy when I found out…”

It is a good thing when others ask us thoughtful questions, but it won’t always happen. Sometimes, to paraphrase Gandhi * , we have to be the change we wish to see. We can be intentional with our response, even in the face of a non-perfect question.

Before her oral comprehensive exam, a friend was given apt advice: Answer the stumper questions in a way that speaks to what you personally know. The answers to big questions can be steeped in our personal experiences. A broad question like, “What is going on?” can be honed down to, “What is it like for me?” Personalization helps us connect. It gives words to selves who crave to be shared in relationships. Instead of, “Things are fine” (impersonal), we can say, “I feel/I think…” Then, we are speaking from our own self.

Sometimes, answering vague questions with specific, personal answers happens naturally. Have you noticed that a good friend can ask you a simple question and it starts a whole conversation? But, someone else, someone with whom you have less of a connection, asks you the same thing and it doesn’t really go anywhere. What is the difference? Our response. We may have little control over the questions we are asked, but we do have the ability to act with our answers, our expressions, and in what we share.

The answer is usually both. Seek to ask good questions. Invite those in your relationship circles to ask great prompts (some families use a question jar that they can choose from – be creative!). And, set an intention to answer fully and personally, for all questions.

* Gandhi’s quote: “If we could change ourselves, the tendencies in the world would also change. As a man changes his own nature, so does the attitude of the world change towards him. … We need not wait to see what others do.”

___________________________

Christie Eppler, Ph.D, LMFT is a professor and program director in the Couple and Family Therapy program at Seattle University. Dr. Eppler is a Licensed Marriage and Family Therapist (LMFT, Washington) and holds an approved supervisor designation from the American Association of Marriage and Family Therapists (AAMFT). Her clinical practice covers the complete age span of children, youth, and adults. She has provided clinical services in an elementary school, community-based clinics, and at a college counseling center. The Washington State School Counselor Association (WSCA) named her Counselor Educator of the Year in 2007. She has published in the Journal of Marital and Family Therapy, among other family-related journals. Her qualitative research focuses on the intersections of spirituality and narrative therapy, resiliency, and issues of social justice. She lives in Seattle with her dog, Mossy, who is always looking for their next adventure.

COVID-19: How to Manage Anxiety

Mon, 01 Jul 2019 11:37:25 GMT

COVID-19: How to Manage Anxiety

Wondering if there is anything you can do to decrease your anxiety about the current state of the world? 10% Happier is one of my favorite meditation apps. Here is a recent podcast episode: How to Handle Coronavirus Anxiety with Dan Harris (moderator) and Dr Luana Marquez’ and Dr Jay Michaelson.

https://www.tenpercent.com/podcast-episode/how-to-handle-coronavirus-anxiety-special-edition?utm_source=cv_response&utm_medium=email&utm_campaign=cv_response_letterfromceo

Sugar Makes Me a Jerk: Food, Mood and Relationships

Mon, 15 Apr 2019 12:41:17 GMT

Sugar Makes Me a Jerk: Food, Mood and Relationships

As much as I want to resist acknowledging the significant effect of food and exercise on mood and anxiety, I am continually learning more about how influential it is. We continue to get more information about the effects of food on mood and anxiety while at the same time being bombarded with potentially devastating food choices that have become our societal norm.

Food is not the only answer but another piece of the puzzle that makes up our complicated selves. Understanding this piece gives us options when it comes to taking care of ourselves. I know how hard it is. I so want to be able to eat the chocolate chip cookie after a stressful day days.

“Sugar makes me a jerk”, says a friend of mine. Sugar can be addictive to many of us – the more we eat, the more our cravings increase. Unstable blood sugar levels cause many physical and emotional symptoms that affect mood and anxiety.

What does this have to do with relationships? When you’re struggling with issues of mood and anxiety, it can result in worried thoughts, irritability, anger, mood swings, tears, isolation, negative feelings, and hopelessness – all things that make relationships more difficult. In addition to the immediate effects of dysregulated blood sugar, there are also long-term effects. Chronic health struggles also put a strain on relationships. When you don’t feel well, it’s hard to connect with others. Chronic health issues are expensive which also can affect relationships.

Making healthy choices is just another tool that you have when you’re taking care of yourself. It’s impossible to do it all at once. Start with small baby step changes. After you start doing them consistently and see positive results, it will encourage you to keep going.

How to start? Pack some nuts for a snack. Put your Fitbit back on. Walk today for 30 minutes with your favorite music or podcast. Walk tomorrow for 30 minutes with your favorite person. Do some reading on the effects of food on mood. Start a food and mood journal. Notice your mood 24 hours after you eat something extra sugary. Drink an extra glass of water. Replace one sandwich at lunch with a non-gluten option this week. Find a favorite tea and have an unsweetened cup of it for a break. While you’re doing this, breathe it in – long deep breaths and notice the warmth of the mug on your fingers. Now go back and just pick ONE of these to focus on for this week.

How Can Breathing Help Your Relationships?

Mon, 15 Apr 2019 12:40:28 GMT

How Can Breathing Help Your Relationships?

Reducing your stress helps your relationship in two ways:

If you stay relaxed, fewer things, including your partner, irritate, frustrate, and annoy you. You can tolerate more. You can keep things in perspective. You get less amped up, less ‘on edge’.

If you continue to practice your relaxation skills, you can apply them in the middle of a conflict or stressful situation. Your body is used to this feeling (and likes it!) and you can get there faster.

Here are two of my current favorite meditations for you to practice. Enjoy.

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Jyy0ra2WcQQ&t=7s

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=1CDZGXlHYp8&t=3s

Listen to Dr. Jen

Sat, 06 Apr 2019 16:17:14 GMT

Listen to Dr. Jen

Dr. Jen speaks with WGVU’s, Shelley Irwin, and Chopra certified stress management expert, Sheri Beth Shafer, on relationships and stress.

September 17, 2013 | WGVU Listen to Dr. Jen

Coping with Unemployment

Tue, 05 Mar 2019 15:15:45 GMT

Coping with Unemployment

[I am grateful to Brian for contributing this post. I know many of you who have walked this path or are in the middle of it. Hopefully his insights can help on your journey. – Jen]

I know unemployment. I know the isolation, depression, financial stress and crippling feeling of worthlessness that comes with failing to find a full-time job. I have experienced the awkward encounters with family and friends who try to help, but mostly offer well-meaning but futile advice and platitudes. I have experienced the hit to my identity as a man, husband, father, and provider for his family, as well as the general aimlessness that comes to a person who desires to work, with none to be had. I have previously walked this path…a couple of times.

Not surprisingly, research shows that unemployment affects mental health. As summarized by a researcher in a 2003 study on the topic,

“Unemployment is a stressful event that requires adjustment to new daily schedules, economic situations, and demands. Stress is associated with numerous adverse physical and mental outcomes. Unemployment can also threaten an individual’s self-concept or self-identity and deprive him or her of beneficial byproducts often gained from employment. These benefits can be either tangible such as financial reward or intangible such as provision of structure to the individual’s daily routine or enforcement of activity. In addition to possibly affecting health by creating financial strain and inducing psychological stress, unemployment can provoke adverse coping behaviors (eg, smoking, alcohol abuse).”

I can relate to the researcher’s conclusions. But what are some healthy ways to help mitigate these negative effects? I believe taking a fresh perspective not only staves off the negativity, but also leads to personal growth. Below are three lessons I have learned from my past periods of unemployment.

Your True Worth Does Not Come From A Job

The worst part of unemployment to me has been the feelings of worthlessness that come creeping in during the quiet times. I have had a tendency to view much of my worth through accomplishments, and those have been most apparent to me in work contexts. I like to engage my mind, produce something, and be appreciated by others for my efforts. That’s how I feel like I am making some sort of contribution in the world. While I don’t think that it is wrong that these make up part of my identity and self-image, it is clear that putting my primary worth in those things is misguided. I have found that relationships, primarily with my family, are far more important to me and are longer lasting. We all have significant value beyond our jobs, but for some reason we place so much emphasis on our identities as workers. It is important that we recognize our worth as relational beings and how we can contribute to humanity other than through our jobs.

Isolation Is The Enemy

My natural tendency in the past has been to withdraw during periods of unemployment. Much of it is the avoidance of uncomfortable conversations revolving around the world of work, whether it is the new acquaintance asking, “So, what do you do?” or a family member or friend requesting an update on the job search. It is simply easier and less painful to avoid it all. While some time spent alone is healthy and necessary for reflection and introspection, too much of it starts to work against a person. That is when many of the negative thoughts come creeping in. These thoughts, unchecked by the perspective of others, can start to stray from reality and make a person feel alone and different than others. It is positive to interact with others, especially in conversations about your newly discovered worth and activities, which are likely much more interesting conversation topics than your job. Plus, interacting and networking with others is one of the best ways to land your next job!

Unemployment Can Be A Blessing

There are many negative aspects of unemployment, most so obvious that they don’t even need mentioning. However, my experiences have shown me these times can also be seen as gifts; rare blessings to life that aren’t planned or expected. In staying healthy, I believe it is important to recognize and embrace these blessings rather than becoming mired in the difficulties. My periods of unemployment have allowed me time to be more attentive to my family and attend to much-needed work at home instead of being consumed in my outside job. Periods of unemployment can also be a good time to take an inventory on life and career goals. While many people will not quit a job to pursue their dreams, lacking a job might just provide the time, extra motivation, and freedom to take that leap.

With the proper perspective, this time of unemployment can be a time of discovery, reclaimed relationships, and new beginnings, which have been more valuable to me than any job I ever had.

________________________________

Brian Cole, Ph.D., is a writer with eclectic interests, work experiences, and locales. He has earned a doctorate in education and held jobs in college administration, nonprofit management, traditional and experiential instruction and team building, community organizing, and newspaper journalism. He is currently a faculty member in the Ed.D program at Abilene Christian University. He has lived in 9 different states and loves to travel and experience new cultures, people, and a proper cup of coffee. On a path to self-discovery, he is also a personal assessment inventory junky (Enneagram – Type 5, “The Investigator ;” MBTI – INTP, “Architects;” and Clifton StrengthFinder – Signature Themes: Deliberative, Intellection, Futuristic, Adaptability , and Strategic ).