New Year, New You
Bryan Wisdom, MDiv, MA, LLMFT
6 Tips for Making Your Resolutions a Reality
Why publish an article on New Year’s resolutions in February? Simple. February is the time we all start to fail and give up!
The arrival of a new year often inspires us to make positive changes in our lives and relationships. From losing weight to quitting smoking to going on more dates, we make resolutions with the best of intentions. However, many of us struggle to keep these promises to ourselves and we find ourselves back at square one by February. If you’re ready to turn your resolutions into reality, read on for 6 tips that can help you make this the year you achieve your goals.
One: Turn Your Dreams into Goals
A dream is a wish or hope that you have. You may want it really really badly. But just because we want something doesn’t mean that we are going to get it! Take time to turn your dreams and resolutions into actionable goals. Try to figure out a way for those goals to be measured and tracked. Break them down so you can take small steps and mark progress and celebrate early wins.
Two: Review Your Resolutions Every Day
Here’s the rule: what gets attention, gets action.
Pretty simple. If you forget it, you’ll miss it. So, review those resolutions often. Where will you keep the list to ensure you see it every day?
Think about how you can narrow the gap between where you are today and where you want to be tomorrow. Then do it.
Three: Create a Support System of Like-Minded People
Goal-setters need other goal-setters for understanding and encouragement. There are at least 3 types of relationships that could be helpful to you:
- Peers: Who do you hang out with? How do you spend your social time? Can you cultivate friendships with people who will spur you on to action? A group of goal-setting and goal-communicating peers is a powerful thing. Even one is better than none.
- Mentors: If you can find individuals who have already achieved things on your list, ask them for tips. What did they do that was helpful? What did they try that didn’t work?
- Coaches: A life coach can help you create and work toward a plan of action for your personal resolutions. There are many life coaches out there, all you need to find one is a quick internet search. Look for a coach who has both training and experience—personally I prefer licensed therapists. Most coaches have some training, but the difference is therapists’ training met three levels of standards: the university graduate level program they completed, the state they were licensed in, and the profession to which they belong. By virtue of their profession, therapists also adhere to a higher standard of ethics, accountability, and confidentiality than non-therapist life coaches. Many therapists I know are trained in life coaching.
Four: Increase Your Energy and Stamina
You are more likely to achieve your personal goals if you have energy and endurance. Generally speaking, here’s what that means:
- Eat healthier: Eating well is about balance, not about deprivation and starvation. Try to eat less sugary sweets, less processed foods, and as many whole foods as you can. I remind myself, “Mother Earth makes better food for me than humans do”. Oh, and eating healthy doesn’t have to be expensive. You don’t have to shop the most expensive grocery store or sign up for a health food delivery program. You can. But you don’t have to.
- Exercise more by doing what you enjoy: Is there anything worse than trying to convince yourself you actually want to walk on a treadmill? When it’s cold, try skiing or snowboarding, ice skating, or—if you want to be inside—join a gym or an aquatics center. When it’s warm, get out in nature—try hiking, cycling, kayaking, or rock climbing; or, get social—find a group that plays soccer or basketball on Saturday mornings. Find what works for you. Are you a person who likes routine or variety? We don’t just exercise to lose weight; we exercise to improve our cardio and pulmonary function (heart and lungs), boost our mental health, and even purge toxins from our body by way of sweat.
- Get the right amount of sleep: The ideal for the average adult is 7-8 hours per night. If something regularly impedes your sleep (sorry, not young children!), like sleep apnea, leg cramps, or an uncomfortable bed, make a plan to correct it. Your immune system suffers when you do not get enough sleep. Insufficient sleep can reduce the body’s production of protective cytokines, which are crucial in defending against infections!
Five: Reduce Stress in Your Life
One of the best ways to reduce stress and anxiety is through traditional talk therapy. A therapist can help you create external strategies to reduce the number of stressors coming your way as well as internal strategies to manage those you simply must handle.
Another great idea, is to begin a journey of living more simply. I remember when I discovered The Power of Less by Leo Babauta back in 2008. If you haven’t read it, you should.
Aside from living more simply, you can alleviate stress through practices such as deep breathing, yoga, socializing with friends, reading, journaling, expressing creativity in your preferred medium, or exercise.
Six: Expand Your Focus Time
More time without demand or distraction allows you more time to pursue and achieve these resolutions. The primary ways to do this is are:
- Set healthier boundaries: Start with setting better boundaries around work and unhealthy relationships. If you are unfamiliar with this concept or need a refresher there are many great books, blogs, and podcasts on the subject.
- Reduce your task load: I recommend killing it DEAD. The productivity concept of DEAD comes from another book I highly recommend: What’s Best Next by Matt Perman. The goal here is to reduce non-priorities so we can do what really matters. DEAD is (1) Delegate, (2) Eliminate, (3) Automate, and (4) Defer.
- Minimize distraction: You will be amazed how much more productive and creative you’ll be if you can do this. Eliminate interruptions by turning off your phone, closing email, and minimizing the use of social media during your focused time. You’ll find that you’re able to complete tasks more efficiently and have a greater sense of accomplishment afterward.
Well, that’s it!
If you need help, our team at Restore Therapy is here for you. Contact us at 616-228-9244 or submit a secure contact form to get scheduled with a Restore therapist today!
Bryan R. Wisdom, MDiv, MA, LLMFT is a therapist with Restore Therapy Collective (100% telehealth), and has been involved in helping work for 19+ years. His personal mission is the help others live authentically, make better decisions, develop healthier relationships, and adventure beyond impossible. He loves his wife and kids, counseling, learning, comedy, strategy board games, travel, and outdoor adventures.
Restore Therapy Collective
Ok, sort of true. Actually, what we believe about stress can make us healthier, and happier. When I was teaching as an adjunct professor at GVSU, I consistently showed one Ted Talk that I thought all college students, especially future social workers, needed to watch. It is entitled “How to Make Stress Your Friend” (2013), given by health psychologist Kelly McGonigal, PhD, from Stanford University (video posted below). In this talk, Dr. McGonigal highlights the devastating effects stress can have on our bodies, especially our cardiovascular health. When we are experiencing chronic or acute moments of stress, our central nervous system is activated and adrenaline is released, initiating the well-known “fight or flight” response. This response can have negative consequences on our heart health, as well as our mood (anxiety and fear), and our brain’s ability to problem solve or think clearly. However, because our bodies are so wonderful, we also have a natural protective hormone that helps us stay relaxed in stress, known as oxytocin. Oxytocin counters the adrenaline response to create a desire for social support, connection, and comfort; potentially leading to positive effects of social bonding, stress regulation and improved mental health ( Olff et al., 2013 ). Once again, these positive effects are true for those who interpret, or believe, the physical cues of stress to be safe and helpful. As a practitioner of cognitive behavioral therapy, this concept rings true for me. How we frame events in our thoughts, including our body’s physiological responses, leads directly to corresponding emotions and behaviors. Therefore, stress has the potential to cause us anxiety, sickness, fear, obsessive worry, muscle tension and so on. It also offers the opportunity, if we become skilled at cognitive reframing, to lead us into deeper friendships, love, trust, connection, meaning, purpose, joy and even courage! So how do we take the oxytocin invitation, and reduce the impact of the adrenaline trap? To paraphrase Robert Frost, here is where we take the path less traveled, and it will make all the difference. In my experience as a therapist, the oxytocin path is the one less traveled. While it will likely take some significant cognitive reframing to reorient our interpretive thoughts, and often a trained therapist to guide us through some sections, here are three trail markers I’ve noticed along the way. Friendship People typically respond to stress in one of two ways: isolate or connect. The path less traveled here seems to be connection. So many of us are conditioned to lean into self-reliance, a strong work ethic, and a good smile to bear the impact of stressful challenges alone. This isolation can be very painful, and loneliness can exacerbate both depression and anxiety. We can learn, however, that the healthier and more effective response is to reach out and connect, to ask for help, and to enhance the protective benefits of oxytocin through deep, trusting relationships. Some of the best advice you can give a friend, or yourself, is that you don’t have to do it alone. Dr Carl Rogers, one of my all-time favorite therapists, established three core characteristics of relationships that are effective at creating connection and personal growth; genuineness, unconditional acceptance, and empathy (understanding). If you have a friend like this, ask them for a big hug and an hour to chat the next time you’re about to crash out! If you need more help, reach out to a therapist who is committed to connecting with clients by being genuine, accepting, and understanding. Faith In this context, I bring up faith to mean a connection to something larger than yourself. While many have specific religious interpretations and community practices around the word faith, I use it here in its broadest sense. Faith as in a trust, confidence, or allegiance to something. It’s what gives us meaning and purpose in life. We can have faith in a project, faith in an ideal or virtue, faith in a process or even our own capabilities. When stress hits hard, faith provides a bird’s eye view from which to look down on the stress and see it as temporary, or smaller than it feels in the moment. To have faith, to be connected, to the virtues, beliefs, or goals that we believe in most can function like a compass in a storm, and keep us moving in the direction we have chosen. Instead of suffering in fear and doubt, it is time to lean on our beliefs and commit ourselves to the purpose and goals we have found in our life. Dr. McGonigal sees this as courage, interpreting the stress response as preparing our mind and body for action. There is nothing better to do with courage than press on towards the goals, beliefs, or values we have the most faith in. So, keep testing, exploring, and clarifying your faith. What do you really believe in? Forests Forest therapy is a growing field, accumulating scientific evidence for the stress relieving benefits many of us have felt throughout our life. The full rationale and protocol of sylvotherapy (forest therapy) is beyond the scope of this blog, however, I want to provide a sample that may encourage and inspire the reader to begin an immersive journey into reconnecting with nature as a positive stress response. Throughout my life I have instinctively sought out wild places; waterfalls, mountains trails, deep forests, deserted ocean beaches. These places just made me feel good…happier, peaceful, less stressed. It turns out these places are full of higher oxygen concentrations, negative ions created by moving water and growing plants, helpful soil bacteria, vibrant natural colors and textures, and often free from noise, light, and air pollution. I realized at one point that I had subconsciously created a protocol in which every 6 weeks I would seek an immersive weekend in nature as my stress management self-care routine. Stress was driving me “into the forest” where I was receiving physical and mental health benefits! Now, to be fair, I wasn’t just walking in the woods. I was applying therapeutic techniques and skills such as mindfulness, meditation, cognitive refocusing, and using all senses to connect with my natural surroundings. I have since taken up a course of study in forest therapy in order to become a certified guide for others to find the same health benefits that I find so sacred. A walk in the woods is still valuable (do it for at least 30 minutes) but there is a depth of mental health benefits from forest therapy that you can find on your own, or with a trained guide. Stress is harmful, but it is not inevitable. As Dr. McGonigal (2013) states, How you think and how you act can transform your experience of stress. When you choose to view your stress response as helpful, you create the biology of courage. Stress gives us access to our hearts. The compassionate heart that finds joy and meaning in connecting with others, and your pounding physical heart working hard to give you strength and energy! If you’re in a place of chronic stress, or have been hit hard by a stressful event, take a few minutes to watch my favorite Ted Talk, and reach out to a friend or a professional who can help you find the path less traveled, the oxytocin invitation to social bonding, courage, and even a happier mood! Jason Anderson, LMSW is a therapist at Restore Therapy Collective. Jason’s work stems from a desire to see people overcome personal barriers, form authentic relationships, and appreciate the beauty around them. Jason also has a deep love for using principles of forest therapy to bring people to new discoveries within themselves and foster a greater love for the natural world.
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Having served both as an ordained pastor and as a mental health professional, I have repeatedly heard strong emotions surrounding the idea of deconstructing - a process in which individuals systematically evaluate and question religious and spiritual beliefs and practices. Most often, I hear fear and anxiety from those who are personally wrestling with deconstruction or watching someone they love go through it. Such fears frequently include: - Fear of divine retribution or punishment - Fear that a loved one will abandon their faith - Fear of losing community or damaging family relationships - Fear of losing one’s identity - Grief over the loss of certainty - Fear of losing meaning or purpose This list could go on, of course, and it is not meant to be exhaustive. The point is that the idea of deconstruction can be highly intimidating for many people and it often brings up significant fear and distress, leading people to seek guidance from trusted faith leaders and mental health professionals. Unfortunately, there are also many less-than-helpful beliefs about what it means to undergo the process of deconstruction. So let's break some of these down: Deconstruction inevitably leads to abandoning religious belief Deconstruction is defined as a process - a process of evaluating, analyzing, and questioning one's own religiosity and/or spirituality. Engaging in this process does not, however, naturally lead to the abandonment of religious belief. Some individuals ultimately step away from religious identification altogether (de-identify), while others move toward reconstruction - retaining some elements of faith, though often reshaped. In fact, some have argued that a cycle of deconstruction and reconstruction may result in a more mature faith and may be a natural part of human growth and development. Things won't get better after deconstructing One thing we know about spirituality and religiosity is that they are incredibly sticky. What I mean by that is that they are incredibly powerful social forces and have deep impacts on our identity, morality, community, and even emotional reflexes. The impact of religion and spirituality can sometimes be hard to shake, even if you have left your religion or reconstructed with a new religious identity and understanding. For example, someone who has left a rigid religious environment may find themselves reproducing similar all-or-nothing, black-and-white thinking patterns in secular contexts. Other individuals might find that they struggle to shake a fear of divine punishment or retribution, despite having stopped believing in either hell or God. This is normal. Over time, though, many individuals' distress or struggles in these areas do soften in intensity. Reasons for deconstruction can be boiled down to one cause Reasons for undergoing the process of deconstruction vary. For some, deconstruction begins with an internal sense that what they were taught to think and believe conflicts with the behaviors or gut sense of what they believe to be true, launching the person into a period of intellectual questioning. Others begin deconstruction as a direct result of religious trauma and abuses experienced in religious/spiritual contexts. Others begin the process after experiencing a profound loss or death that their faith system does not seem able to explain or make sense of. Point being: the reasons for deconstruction vary and often begin with honest, sincere questions, doubts, concerns, and a search for answers or truth. If you or someone you care about is facing challenges associated with deconstruction, though, what can you do? Be patient Remember that deconstruction is a process, not a single decision, event, or destination. This process may take time and may not be forced. And if you have left religion or spirituality behind, remember that the emotional intensity associated with previous beliefs often softens over time, and you may notice that your distress gradually lessens. Seek out a trusted religious/spiritual leader or other wise and trusted mentor You may be surprised to find that your religious leader has undergone a similar process or has resources that might be able to help you navigate this issue. The process of deconstruction does not have to be explicitly anti-religious and some individuals may find they benefit from addressing their concerns with faith leaders. Seek out a mental health professional The process of deconstruction can result in feeling highly anxious, depressed, or that life feels unbearable. Finding a mental health professional who understands the process of faith change, respects you and your journey, and can provide resources for coping with related mental health concerns can be tremendously helpful. Find resources related to deconstruction, faith change, religious/spiritual trauma, and other related issues There is an increasing number of resources aimed at helping individuals dealing with these issues, including the book used as inspiration for this article written by a Hope College professor of psychology and director of the Frost Center, Dr, Daryl R. Van Tongeren (2024). Books, audiobooks, and podcasts from professionals and individuals with lived experience may help you gain a greater appreciation and awareness for what you are experiencing.